Thursday, 22 December 2011


I don't think I can handle this any more, I've gained so much weight, it's fucking killing me, the jeans I'm wearing today, they're so tight, they don't even fit and they used to be loose.
Every day, I wake up planning not to binge and every day I fucking do, I've put on so much weight, I'm disgusted with myself, I feel suffocated, I don't even recognise my body, all that hard work, for what? I'm fucking terrified, if it doesn't stop soon, I won't even be able to continue modelling.
I'm scared to go out of the fucking house because I look so hideous, I don't feel comfortable in anything, even my fat clothes, my body aches, I fucking hate it, I fucking hate me.
And don't tell me it's okay, because it's not, I'm terrified because I can't stop it, I can't stop binging and I don't know what to do.

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Haven't posted in a while(relapse)

This is it, I said I'd give it one more real try... I can't do it any more, I can't pretend I'm not me, four months on and I'm still binging and I've gained 31 lbs.
Never again, I'll purge what I want when I want, this is just me. It's only an illness if I make it that way, this is just me, it's what I'm like, it's how I eat.
The only time I'm productive and actually cope is when I'm purging or restricting and if I'm honest, really, truly, properly honest, I'd rather die thin than live fat.
So that's the end of that chapter.
Oh, I have a poorly chest and a headache too. :(

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Day one of ze plan.

Today I've had my toast for breakfast and my butterbeans(had to have them cold because the electricity went off!) and a small braeburn apple for dinner, I reckon I'm gonna have my chicken hotpot ready meal of my tin of sausage caserole with veg for tea.
Exercise wise, I've done my shoulder presses, bicep curls and lateral raises so far, but I'll get the rest done, I need to do the dusting as well and get my bedroom tidied, Alex(the guy I met the other week) is coming for tea tomorrow and I'm making a chicken tikka korma so I need to prepare the sauce and marinade the meat as well so tomorrow's tea should be tasty... and I'm sure the korma will be nice too!

My new plannnn...

Meal plan
Breakfast: Two slices of wholemeal toast with low fat spread.
Dinner: Butterbeans, peas or kidney beans and an apple.
Tea: A main meal with veg or salad.
Exercise plan
Cardio once a day(most likely walking and/or Just dance)
Lateral raises-40
Bicep curls-40
Lunges-40 each leg
Tricep extentions-40 each arm
Wii fit super hula hoop-10 minutes
Bench presses-40
Bench presses(neutral)-40
Shoulder presses-40

Monday, 11 July 2011

Right, well I've not purged for four days and not binged since yesterday lol, so today has been completely B/P free so far, I've had a banana for breakfast, a subway turkey salad with sweet onion sauce for dinner and for my tea I'm having a pea omlette(strange combination but I'm craving peas!) I'm making it with three egg whites and a full egg.

I've had a brisk walk for an hour and a half and I've done 100 wall pressups, I plan on doing 100 more and 200 sit ups and do some shit with my dumbells too, can't wait till my new ones come, they're yellow!

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Checking myself into bootcamp!

Today, I'd eaten quite a bit, not a normal ammount, but it was too much for my liking, anyway, I foolishly weighed myself after eating, in the middle of the day, with fucking jeans on and surprise surprise, gained 4lbs.

So I did the only rational thing, binged like a total bell end.

Anyway, I'm fed up for this LAMEimia, I want a fucking hot body, so, next week, I shall invest in some new dumbells, kettlebells and other such things, I shall be having egg whites and mushrooms for my breakfast, a protein shake and an apple for my dinner and boiled chicken or fish with vegetables for tea, I shall go swimming for two hours every day and will weight train every day.

I don't want to live in this hideous body anymore and I refuse to!

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Another appointment today...

I have another psychiatric appointment today, I think they're going to discuss what treatment I'll be having and what not, hope I don't start beefing again! Anyway, I seem to not be able to get an webs sites anymore, strange... but maybe this is a blessing in disguise, I can try and make a positive impact on my life by not being on the laptop all the time in a triggering environment and I can try and keep up with my diet and exercise and my recovery journal.

Anyhoo, I weighed in this morning at 192 lbs, not so bad considering the ammount of binging I've been doing, I'm going to try my very, very hardest not to weigh for a week, because lets face it, weighing daily is not healthy and once a week is enough, I am not going to magically gain a stone in a week!

For my breakfast today I had four egg whites with half a tin of cherry tomatoes, it was rather nice actually, now I'm going to go for a jog.(something I never do!)

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Fuck this recovery shit!

Well after my shortlived Bulimia-busting in the supermarket earlier, I caved, well, didn't even cave, I wasn't even triggered, I was making thai green curry for me and my mum and I decided to go to the shop and buy some sweets(not a binge just a pack of sweets) anyway when I get there I find myself purchasing a big bag of Starburst, a big bag of Revels and a 100g bar of Dairy Milk.(Sad, fat, stupid, greedy whore)

After that, I ate my curry, then purged and now i've just taken six laxatives, I'm not eating for the rest of today, or tomorrow, or the day after, in fact I don't want to eat ever, ever again.

Recovery's going just greatttt.

Thursday, 30 June 2011

My appointment...

Well I went to my psychiatric assesment yesterday, it went quite well and she was really nice, but I ended up tearing up like a fucking girl!

She said she had to put the overdose on my notes and I had to promise not to kill myself before she let me go lol, but it was just such a release to be honest and actually hear it all out loud and not be made to feel stupid or like she didn't want to listen.

Anyway she's referred me to the psychiatrist who will assess me, I have another appointment with her next week and they have someone who deals with eating disorders, she said they'll try CBT with me and I think I'll be getting therapy for my other mental illnesses as well.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011


Well yesterday I ended up having a mini binge, didn't purge, I'll spare you the gorey details, it's over now, today so far I've had, prridge with raisins and a satsuma for breakfast...
Later on I had some mini ryvitas and then for my dinner I had homemade, low fat potato salad, it was gorgeous(the big bowlful was the ammount i made for me and my mum!)

Followed by a banana...

Monday, 27 June 2011

D-d-d-d-day one of trying to be normal(ish).

Here is my day in pictures, for breakfast I had a slice of wholemeal toast with a Laughing Cow Light Cheese Triangle and two satsumas and a banana...
...then seeing as though we were out today, I got a tuna 6" sub...(although I had no idea of the massive calrorie and fat content I did not purge and I will not freak out)

...followed by a satsuma, later on I had a snack of four wholemeal crackerbreads with two cheese triangles and gherkins with mild french mustard...(the stuff that looks like poo)
...and finally, I had a meat-free breaded chicken fillet with brussels sprouts, sweetcorn, brocolli, cauliflower and oven baked parsnip chips...

Sunday, 26 June 2011

I'm going to give recovery another shot.

Reasons being, I'm miserable, my life is a mess and I just bounce around the same 10lb area all the time, whereas if I recovered, I could be happy, I could have a life, I could lose weight, I could be thin and have the energy to enjoy it, tomorrow I'm gonna try eating healthy, no dairy, no junk, no processed shite, just healthy, home cooked food. I'm not gonna count calories and I'm not gonna purge, or binge, I'm really gonna give this a go, I start counselling on Wednesday as well so I'm going to ask them to refer me to the Centre for Eating Disorders.

So, meal plan tomorrow...

Breakfast: A banana chopped up with two satsumas.
Dinner: Quorn chicken fillet with vegetables and butter beans/peas.
Tea: Wholemeal tuna pasta made with tomato slim-a-soup and spices.
Plus snacks if needed, also I will work out, I'm thinking tae-bo and just dance, plus my walking, tomorrow is the start of a healthier lifestyle... hopefully.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Shitting fuck, my fucking brain.

God, if I want to be numb then why do I binge?! That's the furthest away from fucking numb that I can get, I can't fucking think straight, all my feelings are fucking suffocating me, all my thoughts are allover the fucking place, filling up my head and my big fat body and I feel like I'm gonna fucking burst. I don't want to feel like this but I don't want to purge either, I still want to fucking eat, I want to eat enough to justify purging but I doubt mum's gonna give me money just so I can be a pig, I want to eat, I want to throw up, I want laxatives, then I want to go to sleep. After that, I don't know, I wish I didn't want it, I wish I fucking knew what to do with food other than this, I wish I didn't need to eat or that eating didn't make me feel like I'm being strangled from the inside, I can't even fucking breathe properly, I wish wish wish I could kill myself and nobody would care. 

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Saturday, 28 May 2011

What is wrong with me?!

Well, where to start? Last night I freaked out, proper freaked out, the worst I have done in a while, basically yesterday was one of those days where you feel really in control, like you know you're not going to binge, so erm I had six hundred and something calories and thought I'd get an early night.

Well, after turning my computer off I was just laying in bed, trying to relax and my head just sort of fucked up, so I went downstairs to have a nectarine, I thought if I had a little something extra I mgiht be able to go to sleep, but i binged, not a massive binge but still a  binge.

I threw up and went back to bed and it was like everything just came crashing down on top of me, I had multiple panic attacks, I just couldn't get my breathing under control, I was telling myself 'You need to go to dad's tomorrow, you need to get out of here so you don't binge' then I was thinking I need to take an overdose, I really do, not to die but just to knock myself out for a while, so my head will shut the fuck up.

I was really scared and I was like 'Shit, what am I gonna do for the rest of my life? I fuck everything up, I don't succeed in anything, I can't grow up, I don't want to, I just want to be a little girl and have my mummy take care of me forever, my only option is death' I mean I've had these thoughts before but it was so, so overwhelming, so I was thinking 'Right I'm gonna go to a&e first thing in the morning, I need to be sectioned, I need to know what's wrong with me'.

Everything's just so suffocating, I really can't explain how bad/lost/afraid I feel in words, I just need to get away, I don't know where, the place I need doesn't even exist I don't think, anyway I settled on a plan, buy a bottle of wine, buy some painkillers/cough medicine/whatever and just get trashed for a few days so I don't have to think/die, whichever.

Well when I woke up this morning I was fine, pissed off but that's how I usually am, what the fuck is wrong with me?! Bipolar? Borderline? Scizophrenia? I need answers and I need them now, I should book an appoinment with the doctor on Monday, but I can't even be trusted to do that, I'm different from day to day, I'll forget. And even if I do book an appoinment, I'll probably forget/decide I don't need it.

I don't trust my mind anymore, I don't understand it, I don't know who I am, I've thought in this fucked up way since I was like four, I don't know what to do, what the fuck am I? Am I even real? Maybe I'm that mad that none of this is real...

On a lighter note I have lost the 4lbs I gained last week, wow I'm hjghycfgfdgffhjk.

Friday, 27 May 2011

Got my hair did.

I got it done in the end, I look like a man though, but I guess I can't complain for 5 pounds 50.

Ugh, forgive the lack of makeup and double chinness.

Thursday, 26 May 2011

The Phoenix Diet

Well, when I'm trying to restrict I always feel denied, so I've decided to devise a new diet which varies from day to day with no limits.(and of course I had to name it after myself!)

Anyway, here it is...

Fish day: Tuna, mackerel, cod, pollock, haddock etc. and unlimited salad.

Apple day: As many apples as you like and unlimited salad.

Dairy day: Egg whites, fat free yogurts and unlimited salad.

Bum day: Fruits that look like bums! AKA plums, peaches, nectarines and cherries and unlimited salad.

Grain day: Wholegrain pasta, brown rice, oats and unlimited salad.

Veg day: All vegetables and tomatoes plus unlimited salad.

Quorn day(or white meat day for meat eaters): Meat substitute based meals and unlimited salad.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Fat fucking whore.

After two days of actually doing well, no binging, no purging, I allowed my boss being a shit head trigger me into a binge, this is what I've just fucking eaten...

A bag of McCoys cheese and onion
2 fresh cream jam turnovers
2 fresh cream chocolate eclairs
2 crunchies
8 slices of edam cheese
2 cadbury's caramel eggs
A tub of hummus
A box of melba toasts
A litre of Ben and Jerry's phish food
6 tunnock's tea cakes

And that's not even all of it, once i've purged I'll be eating about the same amount, purging again and having a chinese then purging again, then I'll take a shit load of laxatives and stay up all night shitting my guts out.
Straight back to square one, my teeth fucking kill when I eat as well, I should have killed myself long ago, this pitiful existence doesn't consitute as a life.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

I kinda 'binged' today, I had a bowl of muesli(190?) 12 melba toasts(150) cottage cheese(90) salad(10) a whole pack of apricots(?!) a jar of gherkins(45) a mullerlight(96) and a sugar free jelly(6) :/ I'm really worried, I can't purge cause I've just ahd my meds, I'm in London tomorrow, I can't go all bloated, I'm gonna have to take laxatives. :(

Monday, 16 May 2011

Another quick un.

Well, that's another great day, I've had porridge, balsamic oven baked cherry tomatoes with salad, cajun quorn stir fry, a peach and a little fruit pot which adds up to 547 calories! And no purging :) done my exercise today as well, got my interview in two days, really excited and shitting myself as well!

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Short post.

Today went great, I've done all the exercise I wanted to do and haven't purged, I've had 530 calories, porridge with water and splenda, six plums, tinned pineapple and garden peas, tomorrow I plan on having porridge for breakfast(as usual), cherry tomatoes for dinner and cajun quorn stir fry for tea.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

New pictures, please tell me if there's a difference...

Right, I've taken some new photos, can you please tell meif there's any difference from the last? If there isn't, just be honest.