Thursday, 22 March 2012

Best GIF ever!

Gonna get my hurr did

I’m saving up for some of these bitches! I’m gonna get 60 fushia pink and 20 blue and pink twisted to mix in… I’ll have to dye my hair bright pink beforehand and I don’t care if I look like a pretentious turd-face, extensions make my hair grow quicker and I like them :)
Now to find someone that knows how to put them in lol.


Seriously, I just keep getting horrible cramps then having to squeeze out like half a teaspoon of the strangest shit ever.

And my bowels smell fucking rancid... it's like I have a dead body in my colon and I'm just crapping it out bit by bit ugh...

On the other hand I'm doing better at dieting and not starving like a retard today, it's 5pm and I've had two crackers and a pepperami, it might not sound a lot, but that's more than I'd had at this time yesterday and I'm still gonna have the fruit and yogurt and tuna :)

Gotta save some calories for cider too though.

Also, note to self: Don't have 1.5 litres of cider and three Xanax before bed... the cider alone is enough to make me sleep... I hate wasting drugs :(

Wednesday, 21 March 2012


Scared for weigh in tomorrow

Don't want to add up today's calories

I know they're well too low, at least the heart palps have gone though

Thank you cider and Xanax

I know I won't have lost enough though

I need to make more of an effort

Hopefully I'm getting back to the old me(even if she was fucked up)

I can't continue being this size anyway

*deep breath* everything will be fine(like I believe that lol)

Also, I've been considering whether to shit into a tub or something(gnarly I know) to decipher whether I'm shitting blood, still won't stop me from using my weapon of choice though.

Maybe I should poo on that spider in my bath, show him who's boss lol, I kid I kid, I'd never do that!

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Strange binge

So I had the fucking insane urge to binge, so I had this great/stupid/fucked up idea that if I do binge on sweet stuff, it has to be sweet stuff that has a laxative effect, so here I a with a bag of soft eating liquorice , a big bag of dried apricots and a big bag of dried banana chips lol... still a fucking shit load of calories, but hopefully it'll make me shit... I'll prolly still purge it though and then just drink the rest of my cider. 

Haha, my life is so meaningful... and this is me on a good day!... seriously, I went for a walk and shit, this is happy Charlotte!

Monday, 19 March 2012

Doing good today.

On 395 calories so far booyah!

Porridge made with water and splenda for breakfast

Tuna with black pepper, tabasco and balsamic vinegar and iceberg lettuce for lunch

And 5 gherkins

Gonna find a nice low cal recipe to make for me and my mum for tea or just make a vegan chilli without rice, gonna do an hour jogging and some strength training then, booyakasha!

Thennn, I'm reading some more of my book cause it's a good book :)

Sunday, 18 March 2012

Mother's Day Lunch

Hmm well that didn't go according to plan... got a salad, then Tristan left most of his chips so I ate them, then I thought fuck it and had apple crumble and custard... and a pint of stella, Jesus Christ :( we went for a walk after though and we walked to the pub in the first place, but fucking hell! AND mum wants a chinese tonight, I will be purging that, that's for sure. Still gonna workout tonight though, gonna do a kettlebell workout and an hour of wii fit jogging, then I'mma try doing a 3 day fast from tomorrow.

Also, I have a tumblr now too(yes I gave in) so if you have one, follow me and shit...

Thursday, 8 March 2012


Binged, purged, binged again, having some wine now, got my eyebrows threaded.

Don't know why I write on this blog any more, nobody reads it.

Wednesday, 7 March 2012


I'm fasting.

From tomorrow, food only makes me worse.

I can't cope with it right now.

I hate it.

I hate it so much.

I hope I can stick to it. 

If I can't, I don't know what I'll end up doing.
I want to die, or be sectioned.

I don't feel right.

Or safe in my head.

I don't want responsibility.

Or food.

Or drink.

Or anything.

Just sleep.


I have an appointment on Friday but I don't know if I can last that long, what if it doesn't help? 

I need to be sectioned. 

I think. 

I don't know... this is all because of a binge. 

I knew how it'd make me feel, why did I do it?

Binging again

Can't believe it.

Purging, fair enough, I deserve it.

Cutting, whatever.

Laxatives, knew I'd end up doing them again.

But binging?

I tried, I tried so hard.

Just one lousy day of restricting and I couldn't fucking do it.

I really tried, tried to just buy the fucking kidney beans and tomatoes.

But I came home with loads of disgusting shite and now I'm eating it now and it's gonna get purged.

And I hate myself more.

Fucking fuck!

Right, so you know when like a dumb bitch you think you've escaped the pain? 
I downed 3 litres of water pooed loads without any pain, though Everything was gonna be all right, LOL!
After a couple of hours I got up, started pooing again... cue agony.
Then, like a dumb bitch, I purged the water I'd drank so I'd poo less and a load of stomach acid, then went to bed.
Couple of hours later more cramps and poo, I dizzily drag myself downstairs for my flavoured water, then come back  to the toilet and drink a load of it and disembowel myself into the toilet a bit more.
I finally got to bed at like six in the morning but had really weird dreams cause of the dehydration.
But, that's not even the worst bit.
I gained fucking weight!

How fucking dignified.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Oh shit!(literally)

Well, first time I've had laxatives in like... well over 6 months.

Why when I know the normal dose will work do I take 4 times the amount?

It's gonna be a rough night, that's for sure.

I've had four, I purged thoroughly though, I'm just gonna drink loads and workout and wait for the pain to start.

I already regret it.


Monday, 5 March 2012

Guh, turned my mp3 player off, I don't like music right now.
I don't a lot of the time.
I just want to want life.
How do you live? I just don't get it.
How do you wake up and do housework and visit friends and family?
How do you bathe and brush your teeth and just groom in general every day?
How can I get better when I don't even seem to be capable of living?
I don't even remember not being this way, so how can I fix myself if  only remember being broken?
I wake up and pray the time until I go to bed goes fast and that the sleep I get is long because I don't want to face another day.
I don't know what to do or where to go.
All I know is I hate myself, inside and out and I'm completely apathetic to anything and anyone else.
Apart from my mum and Tristan(and obviously my cats, yes, I realise how sad that sounds) and even then I can't do any good for them, I can't not hurt them.
I'm a financial, emotional and even physical burden to my mum, she's in debt(partially because of me) and so am I, she just goes around cleaning up for me and I just carry on existing, like some parasitic leech.
I don't see a way out of something I've tried to fight every day for as long as I can remember.
How can a therapist help? How do they make a brand new person? A real one? They can't.
This isn't even half of what I feel, but I doubt anyone will even read half of this and I don't blame them.

How can you fix something that's been broken for so long?

I actually, seriously want to die, nothing gets better, it only gets worse.

I... I don't know what to do... I don't even have the words.

I feel ready to die, but I know I'll live and carry on feeding this fat body and carry on being this pointless person living this pointless life, but I'm dead inside, there's nothing there.

The last option

I'm seriously thinking of asking for a gastric band, I'm terrified of surgery and I always said I wouldn't go down that route, because it's cheating.

But I don't know what else to do, I genuinely can't control my eating and it's ruining my life, I can't live like this any more, being fat and having my whole life made a misery by food.

Sunday, 4 March 2012

New tattoo

Fuck me, long posts are hard to read...

Sorry if I don't reply to them, I have the attention span of a hyperactive goldfish.

I'mma start designing my next tattoo today, I want a girl in bondage, a bit pinup style, all grey and black apart from the red bondage rope and red hair :)

Saturday, 3 March 2012

Feeling a bit more positive today, I've bought some books, some art supplies, a hairdye, some lotion and a new dress, that's cheered me up, I never get to get thee proper black girl shampoo and skin products that I need, so now I've got some instead of using my mum's shampoo and shit.
I can actually do something as well with having my new books, I bought adrian mole, one of my all time faves, one about white women with black servants in the deep south 1940's, one about evacuee children in the war and one called being a woman, that's about a woman's place in society and all that shit, so they should all be good reads. :)

And I'm getting back to the gym tomorrow, booyah!

Friday, 2 March 2012

I feel like dying

Maybe I should run away.
Nowhere to run to though.
Nobody to run to.
Maybe I should kill myself.
I don't know.
All I do is piss everyone off, I'm such a burden.
Don't tell me that's not true, it is.
I'm not an adult, I don't know how to live.
I wish someone would save me.
I wish I could die.
There's nothing to my life, I don't do anything.
I have no purpose.
Really, truly.
This isn't depression, it's just the truth.
I'm just a person gone wrong.
And when something goes wrong and can't seem to be fixed, you just get rid of it right?
I think I'm going to run away.
If that doesn't work, I'll just kill myself.

Sounds like a plan.

Thursday, 1 March 2012

I'm such a retard, it's not even funny...

Gah, sorry to be a downer(not in the syndrome way, in the depressive way lol)

But I cut this morning... I don't even know why, I was bored and grossed out with myself...

My mum's gonna see it, I don't want to hurt her or disappoint her, it's been ages since I've done it.

I don't even know why... it's not like i want to be covered in scars that people will see and judge me by and draw even more attention to my monstrous self.

WTF man, I'm such a douche.

I blame the Gateway Counsellor, he pretty much dared me to do it again and it's been in my mind since, like I was just lying or some shit... whatever, he looks like a paedophile anyway.