Friday, 31 December 2010

No fucking more!

I really don't want to throw up anymore and my mum knows just how hard I'm trying to cut down so I don't throw up, last night she said it was the last takeaway, then tonight she went and bought pizza, I can't take it anymore, I want this to end, I want this to end or to just fucking die!
I just don't know why it can't let me go, bulimia has toyed with me for ten fucking years, surely it's had it's fun now, I want it to let me go or let me die, I'm just fucking pathetic, what the fuck sort of pig eats then forces itself to be sick?! I'm a waste of food, I'm a waste of oxygen, I'm just a waste!
I offer to cook but she chooses to indulge in that shite, I might ask to stay with a friend, I didn't have any pizza though, I'm gonna go for a run, hopefully I can run awy from it, keep running and running until I die, until I run right out of this world...

Thursday, 30 December 2010

I've got to stop

I need to stop vomitting and the only way to do that is to restrict, throwing up is no longer an option, it's fucking me up.
Breakfast: Quarter of an apple
Morning break: Quarter of an apple
Lunch: Quarter of an apple
End of college: Quarter of an apple
Tea(7 o'clock): Three spoons of brown rice with some sort of vegetable and a slim-a-soup

I also NEED to keep up with my college work, get to bed for 10pm on college nights and workout once a day.

Being sick doesn't make anything better and I don't deserve to eat anyway.

Saturday, 25 December 2010


Well I ended up eating yesterday and purging twice and taking laxatives(stupid bitch) but food wise today wasn't as bad as it could have been, I had a bag of crisps, two chocolates, christmas dinner and some cold turkey later on, all without purging! So proud :) Tristan loved his christmas and I am quite drunk lol, like the 6th day in a row or something! I'll post some piccies later!

Friday, 24 December 2010

I don't understand my mum

She's so fucking heartless, I mean I wish I was never open with her, it just gets thrown back in my face, she just started an argument over a fucking salad, because I said on boxing day, I'll just have a normal salad, lettuce and that, egg, turkey, bit of  cheese, no restricting, andyway she totally kicks off  "Why did you let me buy fucking pork pies and quiche and everything to put on it then! We do that every fucking year! All you do is waste my money and go on about dieting!" so I said "It's not a diet, it's a fucking eating disorder!" so the bitch says "Well if you really had a problem why do you go on about it?!" she's a fucking horrible, spiteful bitter bitch I hate her! I tried saying I would eat the fucking heart attack salad and she said "No, I'm not making it now"  because she is that fucking childish, oh and she also said I've ruined christmas and I said "christmas isn't about stuffing yourself" which is true, we never finish the fucking salad anyway. I mean she can't make me out to be weird when eating like three times your fucking recomended calorie intake is fucing weird as well. I hate her so much, first saying I'm not bulimic and then making me out to be ruining christmas, she's just as bad as her fucking mother, a dried up, bitter old cow, I fucking hope I do rip open my throat and die, then she can't call me a liar, I fucking hate her!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, 23 December 2010

Back to the toilet I go

So I ate some chocolate pudding cause I'm a fat fucking monster and took a diet pill with it, but after like two hours my belly still didn't seem to be doing anything with it so I managed to throw  up and I've taken some laxatives... great, another agonizing night for me then, I also plan to workout for at least three hours tonight, fucking fed up of this shite, hopefully I'll sleep well.

My kitchen's trying to kill me!

Going a little bit crazy here, I've totally messed up my back with purging, I can't attempt to throw up without becoming temporarily paralyzed and being in extreme pain, which means I physically can no longer purge, I've never been so scared in my life, if I can't purge, what am I going to do?! Yesterday I had a small banana and didn't have anything else for the rest of the day, then my mum ordered a pizza! I ate my chips and a slice of pizza, but nothing else, I shouldn't have even had that, but I know I definitely CANNOT binge, becaue I can't even get rid of it. Today I ate five quality street chocolates(again, not a binge, but it should have never happened) and a tuna pasta salad from the co-op. My mum's bought be a shit load of beer with it being nearly christmas and I'm dying to have a drink, argh damn my stupid fucking back! Why must I be such a fat bitch!!

Friday, 17 December 2010

Fucking bastard shitting bulimia!!

I hate it, I fucking hate it! Eaten like a pig today, threw up like a dickhead only to order a takeaway, so after that I'm gonna pop some laxatives and diet pills and cry on the toilet all night, I'm such a fucking freak!

Fat fucking bitch!

So what's the point in fasting for two days, then eating like a pig for two days?! I swear to fucking god I hate myself and seeing as though I've quit throwing up, it looks like I'm going to punish myself with laxatives tonight... how the fuck has my life come to this?!

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

New dress

I bought a new dress in a size fourteen, my reward will be to wear it when I've lost enough and I got some cute little socks to wear with it :)
No idea why the pics are so small though...