Wednesday, 27 June 2012


Anxious, neurotic, total mess, everyone's pissing me off, they make me feel literally sick.
I need to get away, somewhere, I feel extremely suicidal. My feelings are allover the place, I can go from optimistic to suicidal within seconds, I really can't fucking cope.
I'm numb and raw at the same time, I want to binge, I don't ever want to see food again... I don't know what to do, I need to get away, I need to escape. I'm scared, I'm scared of everything, I'm scared of myself, I'm scared of living, I'm scared of dying, I'm scared of sleeping, I'm scared of waking up.
I don't know what to do.

I want someone to tell me what to do, for once, not fucking ask me, tell me, do something, just help me.

I'm so depressed and fucking lonely and I can't even cry.

Sunday, 24 June 2012


I want to eat. I want to eat and I'm so fucking mad at myself for it. I can't, because then I'll have to purge again and the purge earlier made my throat all scratchy and I spat more blood than usual(I blame the cheese) and I got the puffy cheeks(I never normally get that) and I'm such a fat, greedy wreck. FATFATFAT. 

I want to go downstairs and workout seeing as though I can't fucking sleep(and it's nearly midnight) but I might end up eating and I really can't fucking do that, cause if I purge I'll wake my mum uup and if I don't I'll be even more depressed.

I've run out of bastard sleeping pills as well, my doctor would only trust me with 2 until she saw me.

I recut the 'FAT' on my thigh because it looked like it said 'EAT' and it was pissing me off... that's even more embarassing than what it really says.

Why must I be such a greedy fucking bitch? It's not like my stomach is even making noise, it doesn't even hurt, it's just... there. I wish it would just fucking go away, I wish I could tear it out.

I might have a cup of tea and work out.

Friday, 22 June 2012

Took my little brother to the School fair...

... and got some stuff, couldn't help myself! :)

Got earrings matching the bracelet too.

Le boys...

Presenting... *drum roll* Corin...



and Grub...

Monday, 18 June 2012

So, I ended up having some raw almonds. I tried to leave it at one handful, but I ended up nomming the rest of them. There were like 40 of the fuckers as well, but at least they're gone now lol, they can no longer haunt me!

If I'm hungry later I'll have a tin of tuna with tabasco sauce and garlic and I'mma have a 38 cal hot chocolate too.

Sunday, 17 June 2012

Back with a bang, I think(I hope)

I'm happy that I've thrown up all of what I've eaten today.

I'm happy that I can feel the little flutters in my chest start again.

I'm happy that I feel like I can cope and move without food inside me.

I'm happy that I'm terrified to eat again today.

I'm happy that I don't plan on eating until tomorrow evening.

I'm happy that I have to purge anything that's not a safe food.

I am happy that Bulimia is tightening it's grip on me.

And most of all I'm happy that my life seems to have an element of control to it again, finally I can breathe, finally, I don't have to pretend to myself or anyone else that I'm recovering any more.

Fucking Hell!

Well, looks like I can't eat nuts when I'm restricting because I just devour them like a Bulimic squirrel. So I've ended up binging... sort of(two and a half handfuls of raw nuts, two clementines, a banana, an apple, a cornetto and a biscuit) and purging... fuck it, I'm going to the co-op to buy some food to b/p later and I'm having some laxatives. Livin' the dream lol.

Saturday, 9 June 2012

I've prolly had like 3000 calories today, purged some of them, started off well, then got a chinese and barfed it back up.

I've been on two walks though, done some press ups(against the wall) and some kettle bell swings.

I want some new dumbells, ooh and I'm getting a sit up thingy.

Friday, 8 June 2012

The Phoenix Rises Again!

M’kay, so after royally fucking up yesterday and binging(I’ll spare you the gory details) I’ve bounced back this morning with a bio, breakfast yogurt and a serving of grapes for breakfast(206 calories) so I’m going to take a bath, pick up my prescriptions and go for a walk in the awful Yorkshire weather and I should have earned my lunch then :)

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Trying to do it the healthy way again...

So today so far, I've had two sachets of instant porridge(like 400?) a slice of cheese on toast(say 200?) and a cheese and balsamic dressing salad(200?)... honey on toast(let's say 300) and peas(90), if I'm a good girl I can come back from this, gonna go for a walk too.

Got a weigh in with the nurse in like 3 weeks so I NEED to lose! Might do a kettlebell workout later too :D

So 1190 today so far, reckon I'm gonna have roast parsnips and sweet potato with mixed veg and beans for tea and that's it!