Wednesday, 10 November 2010

New plan

Right so, with my health in mind, I've decided to have a bash at full on restricting again, so my new plan is: Porridge made with skimmed mlk for breakfast, I'll also allow myself two apples and two slim-a-soups a day and I need to drink lots of water.(hardest bit) Anyway CW:211 that's 14.8 less than last week, I'm so scared of putting that back on.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Fucking bulimia!

I'm throwing up constantly, I threw up like six times yesterday, it's just constant, I can't keep anything in my stomach, I think my fluttering heart is turning into a full on murmur, I've had constant palpatations all day, but all I want is to be empty, I've just eaten chicken salad, no dressing just to stop me from passing out and I want to throw up, I know it isn't too much, but I can't stand it being inside me, I'm going to have to do it. Anyway, on a brighter note, I've started making my first pair of dread falls, I plan on making more and selling them, I'll post a pic of them when they're done :)

Monday, 8 November 2010

My goals

I've given up on restricting, it isn't for me and throws me into a cycle of starve, binge, purge, not very fun. Anyway my bulimia has reached it's severe climax again, with me purging any food I eat, leaving me throwing up about three times a day, not the worst I've been by a longshot, but certainly not the best. Anyhoos, I've just got my new workouts today, 30 day shred and a bollywood dance workout, I've decided to do each once a day after my mum goes to bed, I have also decided on of my goals is to write at least one piece of poetry/creative writing every day, which I will post on here. So erm yeah...
Well, abuse always seems to be a reacurrent subject where eating disorders are involved, so I thought I might share my story, so here goes...

Luke was my dad's girlfriend's son and also my best friend's brother, I always knew he was weird, he was a really bad kid, there must have been something wrong with him because he was born with one arm. He always used to like to make me do things for him, I think it made him feel powerful or something, (cause let's face it, everyone on his estate thought he was a freak with one arm, he didn't have friends) stupid stuff really, getting me to shop lift for him, making me smoke, pouring hot candle wax on me as well(I was four at this point) and just generally taking an unhealthy interest in me.
One morning, the night after I was sleeping at my dad's I came downstairs, things were different, I just sensed there was something going on, his cousin had slept over the night before( he was the same age as me and his sister). Anyway, we all went downstairs and Luke had laid out a quilt on the floor and put on some music, he said that we were going to play a game and I had to sit at one end of the quit with him and Amy had to sit at the other end with Sam because I was going to be his girlfriend and that Amy was going to be Sam's, now I wasn't very keen on the idea because to be honest I didn't like him very much. Amy decided to go to the toilet(a little too conveniently I thought) and left me with Luke and Sam, now just to set the scene, I was four and so was Sam and Luke was ten, Luke told me that he wanted to try something, I won't say exactly what he said, but it was along the lines of penetration, this seemed pretty weird to me, because I'd never heard of anything like this before, but I agreed because I thought I should do, after all he was the big kid and he was in charge. So he told me to hold up my nightie for him and he did what he wanted to do while his cousin watched and laughed, then Amy came back into the room. That morning after my mum had picked me up, I told her what had happened, because I thought it was news I guess, she was really shocked and seemed really angry, so I thought I must have done something wrong, when we got home she phoned my dad and later that day I was taken to the hospital for a horrible examination, apparently he hadn't actually managed to break my hymen so it was all okay from their perspective.
My parents never spoke to me about it after that, but Luke still used to lock me in the bedroom so I'd have to watch while he molested his little sister(my mum was told he went to live with his dad and I never saw him again).
Shortly after the incident I developed depression, night terrors and sleep paralysis, I also stopped eating, this went on for two years until I was six, I then started binge eating, at least when I was eating I wasn't thinking about anything else, I put on a lot of weight in these next two years and other children began to notice, so I started to make myself sick, it was a release, a punishment, by the time I was a teenager I'd also developed anxiety and panic attacks and managed to get myself raped another two times before the age of 16. I spent my teenage years flitting between dependence on alcohol, sleeping pills and purging. My mental illnesses got worse and worse and I found a new poison, sex. I slept around as much as possible and allowed men to use me however they wanted to, because I deserved it, I was obviously only good enough for one thing otherwise this wouldn't have happened to me in the first place.
So here I am, still with my disorders, still with my relentless fear of living an entirely sober life, but this is how I got here.

A little sort of poem/sentence thing

I want to  rid myself of this dirty, squishy sludge, rippling under my skin, I want to take chunks from myself and mould myself into something beautiful, something new, I will cleanse my brain, body and soul, leak the blood out of my skin, until one day I might reach the lemon curd fat inside and squeeze it out, until all that is left is a tight canvas of skin stretched over beautiful curving bones, only then will I be a work of art, a living, breathing sculpture for all the world to admire.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

Great weekend!

I went out for my first rave in forever, raved my flipping socks off for nine hours, I'm gonna have to start going out every week again, it's great exercise too! On another note I'm back into severe bulimic mode again, I'm not keeping anything down, but on the bright side I'm down 10.6 pounds from last week :)

Wednesday, 3 November 2010


I just want to run away, go and live by myself, not have anyone talk to me, but then I don't want to be lonely, argh, I want to do well at college, but I'm fucking up so bad, sometimes I wish I'd get ill, so I'd have an excuse not to go out and just rot in my bedroom with my books and my sympathy for myself. I can't handle being around my little brother, he's just like me, just as depressed and angry and volatile and his health problems... well that's just it, he's not really poorly anymore, but when he gets a spot or a cough or anything my mum gets all panicky, I just want to say SHUT THE FUCK UP! Fuck sake, fuck this fuck everyone, the only thing that matters now is getting thin and even that she resents, just had a go at me over my 'freakish' eating patterns even though she knows I'm fucking bulimic and gives me no support, she's killing us with the shite that she buys, but she's okay as long as she gets to fill her greedy face with it, selfish, stupid fucking bitch! I know what mum, I'll start eating 'normal'(which to you is tons of chocolate crisps and takeaway food) and throw up again, I'll vomit and vomit till I tear myself open and die, I don't give a fuck anymore, I just want to fall into a fucking coma or get put in a nuthouse, so all I have to do is breathe, no eating, no talking, just fade away and fucking rot.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Come on Boot Camp!

November boot camp began yesterday and I've also gone vegan, already feeling much better apart from restriction headache and insomnia. I did a cheesy american workout twice today and ordered two new workout dvds for 8 pounds something, can't wait to do them and I'm now on my bootcamp plan which is:
1000calories a day or less
No Sugar
No white bread
Diet soda is ok
Aerobic exercise of your choice 5 days a week
Strength training of your choice 5 days a week
Walk 3 miles a week