Thursday, 30 June 2011

My appointment...

Well I went to my psychiatric assesment yesterday, it went quite well and she was really nice, but I ended up tearing up like a fucking girl!

She said she had to put the overdose on my notes and I had to promise not to kill myself before she let me go lol, but it was just such a release to be honest and actually hear it all out loud and not be made to feel stupid or like she didn't want to listen.

Anyway she's referred me to the psychiatrist who will assess me, I have another appointment with her next week and they have someone who deals with eating disorders, she said they'll try CBT with me and I think I'll be getting therapy for my other mental illnesses as well.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011


Well yesterday I ended up having a mini binge, didn't purge, I'll spare you the gorey details, it's over now, today so far I've had, prridge with raisins and a satsuma for breakfast...
Later on I had some mini ryvitas and then for my dinner I had homemade, low fat potato salad, it was gorgeous(the big bowlful was the ammount i made for me and my mum!)

Followed by a banana...

Monday, 27 June 2011

D-d-d-d-day one of trying to be normal(ish).

Here is my day in pictures, for breakfast I had a slice of wholemeal toast with a Laughing Cow Light Cheese Triangle and two satsumas and a banana...
...then seeing as though we were out today, I got a tuna 6" sub...(although I had no idea of the massive calrorie and fat content I did not purge and I will not freak out)

...followed by a satsuma, later on I had a snack of four wholemeal crackerbreads with two cheese triangles and gherkins with mild french mustard...(the stuff that looks like poo)
...and finally, I had a meat-free breaded chicken fillet with brussels sprouts, sweetcorn, brocolli, cauliflower and oven baked parsnip chips...

Sunday, 26 June 2011

I'm going to give recovery another shot.

Reasons being, I'm miserable, my life is a mess and I just bounce around the same 10lb area all the time, whereas if I recovered, I could be happy, I could have a life, I could lose weight, I could be thin and have the energy to enjoy it, tomorrow I'm gonna try eating healthy, no dairy, no junk, no processed shite, just healthy, home cooked food. I'm not gonna count calories and I'm not gonna purge, or binge, I'm really gonna give this a go, I start counselling on Wednesday as well so I'm going to ask them to refer me to the Centre for Eating Disorders.

So, meal plan tomorrow...

Breakfast: A banana chopped up with two satsumas.
Dinner: Quorn chicken fillet with vegetables and butter beans/peas.
Tea: Wholemeal tuna pasta made with tomato slim-a-soup and spices.
Plus snacks if needed, also I will work out, I'm thinking tae-bo and just dance, plus my walking, tomorrow is the start of a healthier lifestyle... hopefully.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Shitting fuck, my fucking brain.

God, if I want to be numb then why do I binge?! That's the furthest away from fucking numb that I can get, I can't fucking think straight, all my feelings are fucking suffocating me, all my thoughts are allover the fucking place, filling up my head and my big fat body and I feel like I'm gonna fucking burst. I don't want to feel like this but I don't want to purge either, I still want to fucking eat, I want to eat enough to justify purging but I doubt mum's gonna give me money just so I can be a pig, I want to eat, I want to throw up, I want laxatives, then I want to go to sleep. After that, I don't know, I wish I didn't want it, I wish I fucking knew what to do with food other than this, I wish I didn't need to eat or that eating didn't make me feel like I'm being strangled from the inside, I can't even fucking breathe properly, I wish wish wish I could kill myself and nobody would care. 

Tuesday, 7 June 2011