Friday, 31 December 2010

No fucking more!

I really don't want to throw up anymore and my mum knows just how hard I'm trying to cut down so I don't throw up, last night she said it was the last takeaway, then tonight she went and bought pizza, I can't take it anymore, I want this to end, I want this to end or to just fucking die!
I just don't know why it can't let me go, bulimia has toyed with me for ten fucking years, surely it's had it's fun now, I want it to let me go or let me die, I'm just fucking pathetic, what the fuck sort of pig eats then forces itself to be sick?! I'm a waste of food, I'm a waste of oxygen, I'm just a waste!
I offer to cook but she chooses to indulge in that shite, I might ask to stay with a friend, I didn't have any pizza though, I'm gonna go for a run, hopefully I can run awy from it, keep running and running until I die, until I run right out of this world...

Thursday, 30 December 2010

I've got to stop

I need to stop vomitting and the only way to do that is to restrict, throwing up is no longer an option, it's fucking me up.
Breakfast: Quarter of an apple
Morning break: Quarter of an apple
Lunch: Quarter of an apple
End of college: Quarter of an apple
Tea(7 o'clock): Three spoons of brown rice with some sort of vegetable and a slim-a-soup

I also NEED to keep up with my college work, get to bed for 10pm on college nights and workout once a day.

Being sick doesn't make anything better and I don't deserve to eat anyway.

Saturday, 25 December 2010


Well I ended up eating yesterday and purging twice and taking laxatives(stupid bitch) but food wise today wasn't as bad as it could have been, I had a bag of crisps, two chocolates, christmas dinner and some cold turkey later on, all without purging! So proud :) Tristan loved his christmas and I am quite drunk lol, like the 6th day in a row or something! I'll post some piccies later!

Friday, 24 December 2010

I don't understand my mum

She's so fucking heartless, I mean I wish I was never open with her, it just gets thrown back in my face, she just started an argument over a fucking salad, because I said on boxing day, I'll just have a normal salad, lettuce and that, egg, turkey, bit of  cheese, no restricting, andyway she totally kicks off  "Why did you let me buy fucking pork pies and quiche and everything to put on it then! We do that every fucking year! All you do is waste my money and go on about dieting!" so I said "It's not a diet, it's a fucking eating disorder!" so the bitch says "Well if you really had a problem why do you go on about it?!" she's a fucking horrible, spiteful bitter bitch I hate her! I tried saying I would eat the fucking heart attack salad and she said "No, I'm not making it now"  because she is that fucking childish, oh and she also said I've ruined christmas and I said "christmas isn't about stuffing yourself" which is true, we never finish the fucking salad anyway. I mean she can't make me out to be weird when eating like three times your fucking recomended calorie intake is fucing weird as well. I hate her so much, first saying I'm not bulimic and then making me out to be ruining christmas, she's just as bad as her fucking mother, a dried up, bitter old cow, I fucking hope I do rip open my throat and die, then she can't call me a liar, I fucking hate her!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, 23 December 2010

Back to the toilet I go

So I ate some chocolate pudding cause I'm a fat fucking monster and took a diet pill with it, but after like two hours my belly still didn't seem to be doing anything with it so I managed to throw  up and I've taken some laxatives... great, another agonizing night for me then, I also plan to workout for at least three hours tonight, fucking fed up of this shite, hopefully I'll sleep well.

My kitchen's trying to kill me!

Going a little bit crazy here, I've totally messed up my back with purging, I can't attempt to throw up without becoming temporarily paralyzed and being in extreme pain, which means I physically can no longer purge, I've never been so scared in my life, if I can't purge, what am I going to do?! Yesterday I had a small banana and didn't have anything else for the rest of the day, then my mum ordered a pizza! I ate my chips and a slice of pizza, but nothing else, I shouldn't have even had that, but I know I definitely CANNOT binge, becaue I can't even get rid of it. Today I ate five quality street chocolates(again, not a binge, but it should have never happened) and a tuna pasta salad from the co-op. My mum's bought be a shit load of beer with it being nearly christmas and I'm dying to have a drink, argh damn my stupid fucking back! Why must I be such a fat bitch!!

Friday, 17 December 2010

Fucking bastard shitting bulimia!!

I hate it, I fucking hate it! Eaten like a pig today, threw up like a dickhead only to order a takeaway, so after that I'm gonna pop some laxatives and diet pills and cry on the toilet all night, I'm such a fucking freak!

Fat fucking bitch!

So what's the point in fasting for two days, then eating like a pig for two days?! I swear to fucking god I hate myself and seeing as though I've quit throwing up, it looks like I'm going to punish myself with laxatives tonight... how the fuck has my life come to this?!

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

New dress

I bought a new dress in a size fourteen, my reward will be to wear it when I've lost enough and I got some cute little socks to wear with it :)
No idea why the pics are so small though...

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

New plan

Right so, with my health in mind, I've decided to have a bash at full on restricting again, so my new plan is: Porridge made with skimmed mlk for breakfast, I'll also allow myself two apples and two slim-a-soups a day and I need to drink lots of water.(hardest bit) Anyway CW:211 that's 14.8 less than last week, I'm so scared of putting that back on.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Fucking bulimia!

I'm throwing up constantly, I threw up like six times yesterday, it's just constant, I can't keep anything in my stomach, I think my fluttering heart is turning into a full on murmur, I've had constant palpatations all day, but all I want is to be empty, I've just eaten chicken salad, no dressing just to stop me from passing out and I want to throw up, I know it isn't too much, but I can't stand it being inside me, I'm going to have to do it. Anyway, on a brighter note, I've started making my first pair of dread falls, I plan on making more and selling them, I'll post a pic of them when they're done :)

Monday, 8 November 2010

My goals

I've given up on restricting, it isn't for me and throws me into a cycle of starve, binge, purge, not very fun. Anyway my bulimia has reached it's severe climax again, with me purging any food I eat, leaving me throwing up about three times a day, not the worst I've been by a longshot, but certainly not the best. Anyhoos, I've just got my new workouts today, 30 day shred and a bollywood dance workout, I've decided to do each once a day after my mum goes to bed, I have also decided on of my goals is to write at least one piece of poetry/creative writing every day, which I will post on here. So erm yeah...
Well, abuse always seems to be a reacurrent subject where eating disorders are involved, so I thought I might share my story, so here goes...

Luke was my dad's girlfriend's son and also my best friend's brother, I always knew he was weird, he was a really bad kid, there must have been something wrong with him because he was born with one arm. He always used to like to make me do things for him, I think it made him feel powerful or something, (cause let's face it, everyone on his estate thought he was a freak with one arm, he didn't have friends) stupid stuff really, getting me to shop lift for him, making me smoke, pouring hot candle wax on me as well(I was four at this point) and just generally taking an unhealthy interest in me.
One morning, the night after I was sleeping at my dad's I came downstairs, things were different, I just sensed there was something going on, his cousin had slept over the night before( he was the same age as me and his sister). Anyway, we all went downstairs and Luke had laid out a quilt on the floor and put on some music, he said that we were going to play a game and I had to sit at one end of the quit with him and Amy had to sit at the other end with Sam because I was going to be his girlfriend and that Amy was going to be Sam's, now I wasn't very keen on the idea because to be honest I didn't like him very much. Amy decided to go to the toilet(a little too conveniently I thought) and left me with Luke and Sam, now just to set the scene, I was four and so was Sam and Luke was ten, Luke told me that he wanted to try something, I won't say exactly what he said, but it was along the lines of penetration, this seemed pretty weird to me, because I'd never heard of anything like this before, but I agreed because I thought I should do, after all he was the big kid and he was in charge. So he told me to hold up my nightie for him and he did what he wanted to do while his cousin watched and laughed, then Amy came back into the room. That morning after my mum had picked me up, I told her what had happened, because I thought it was news I guess, she was really shocked and seemed really angry, so I thought I must have done something wrong, when we got home she phoned my dad and later that day I was taken to the hospital for a horrible examination, apparently he hadn't actually managed to break my hymen so it was all okay from their perspective.
My parents never spoke to me about it after that, but Luke still used to lock me in the bedroom so I'd have to watch while he molested his little sister(my mum was told he went to live with his dad and I never saw him again).
Shortly after the incident I developed depression, night terrors and sleep paralysis, I also stopped eating, this went on for two years until I was six, I then started binge eating, at least when I was eating I wasn't thinking about anything else, I put on a lot of weight in these next two years and other children began to notice, so I started to make myself sick, it was a release, a punishment, by the time I was a teenager I'd also developed anxiety and panic attacks and managed to get myself raped another two times before the age of 16. I spent my teenage years flitting between dependence on alcohol, sleeping pills and purging. My mental illnesses got worse and worse and I found a new poison, sex. I slept around as much as possible and allowed men to use me however they wanted to, because I deserved it, I was obviously only good enough for one thing otherwise this wouldn't have happened to me in the first place.
So here I am, still with my disorders, still with my relentless fear of living an entirely sober life, but this is how I got here.

A little sort of poem/sentence thing

I want to  rid myself of this dirty, squishy sludge, rippling under my skin, I want to take chunks from myself and mould myself into something beautiful, something new, I will cleanse my brain, body and soul, leak the blood out of my skin, until one day I might reach the lemon curd fat inside and squeeze it out, until all that is left is a tight canvas of skin stretched over beautiful curving bones, only then will I be a work of art, a living, breathing sculpture for all the world to admire.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

Great weekend!

I went out for my first rave in forever, raved my flipping socks off for nine hours, I'm gonna have to start going out every week again, it's great exercise too! On another note I'm back into severe bulimic mode again, I'm not keeping anything down, but on the bright side I'm down 10.6 pounds from last week :)

Wednesday, 3 November 2010


I just want to run away, go and live by myself, not have anyone talk to me, but then I don't want to be lonely, argh, I want to do well at college, but I'm fucking up so bad, sometimes I wish I'd get ill, so I'd have an excuse not to go out and just rot in my bedroom with my books and my sympathy for myself. I can't handle being around my little brother, he's just like me, just as depressed and angry and volatile and his health problems... well that's just it, he's not really poorly anymore, but when he gets a spot or a cough or anything my mum gets all panicky, I just want to say SHUT THE FUCK UP! Fuck sake, fuck this fuck everyone, the only thing that matters now is getting thin and even that she resents, just had a go at me over my 'freakish' eating patterns even though she knows I'm fucking bulimic and gives me no support, she's killing us with the shite that she buys, but she's okay as long as she gets to fill her greedy face with it, selfish, stupid fucking bitch! I know what mum, I'll start eating 'normal'(which to you is tons of chocolate crisps and takeaway food) and throw up again, I'll vomit and vomit till I tear myself open and die, I don't give a fuck anymore, I just want to fall into a fucking coma or get put in a nuthouse, so all I have to do is breathe, no eating, no talking, just fade away and fucking rot.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Come on Boot Camp!

November boot camp began yesterday and I've also gone vegan, already feeling much better apart from restriction headache and insomnia. I did a cheesy american workout twice today and ordered two new workout dvds for 8 pounds something, can't wait to do them and I'm now on my bootcamp plan which is:
1000calories a day or less
No Sugar
No white bread
Diet soda is ok
Aerobic exercise of your choice 5 days a week
Strength training of your choice 5 days a week
Walk 3 miles a week   

Thursday, 28 October 2010

The most horrible day ever

Well we took our cat to the vet yesterday because he had a little bit of a cough and runny eyes, she gave him some eye drops and told us the cough was just an allergy and he had a clear chest, yet she still gave him an injection of steroids, he was fine when we got him home, but once he got to bed he was coughing very badly all night. When we woke up he's stopped coughing, but within five minutes he was layed on his side with his tongue out struggling to breathe and making an awful sound, there was a massive patch of saliva on the bed where he was and he was constantly dribbling and foaming and he wouldn't drink. We were so scared, his eyes were all glassy and he was totally unresponsive, when we went downstairs he tried following us, we phoned a taxi to go to the vets but he died before we even got to the door, I'm so devastated, my poor baby boy's dead I just can't believe it, we couldn't even afford to have his ashes back, I just can't believe I'm never going to see my beautiful little boy again.

My poor little archie, I'm going to miss him so much.

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

New Hair

Thought I'd just update with a picture of my new hair, mind the messy room...

So much for plans...

So much for not binging or purging, I had a little binge before bed last night and threw up, yummy! Anyway, I had a cookie today(no idea why) and a tin of mushy peas with a bit of mint sauce, I don't know what I'm having for tea, but if it's too big I guess it'll be getting purged. I'm going to go on the wii fit today, I've almost forgotten what it's like, been watching Phineas and Ferb again today, I love Phineas and Ferb! Archie's got to go to the vet today so that means I'm not going out for halloween now, great. I should really be doing something on my week off college, might go meet a friend today, it'll get me away from food and keep me active I suppose.

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Oct 26 2010

Right, I'm back on track now, on my old plan as follows 500 calorie limit per day, 800 ABSOLUTE maximum if I'm mega hungry, AT LEAST an hours excercise a day,(if I don't start moving more I'm afraid I might end up regressing into my fetal form) try to avoid purging if I can and absolutely NO BINGING. Well today I've weighed myself about a million times(okay maybe five) which leads me to the conclusion that scales are utterly useless, I need some good ones. I've eaten an apple, a banana and tuna and onion salad, looks like I'm back on form, I've watched Phineas and Ferb all day,(no exaggeration) god I love that show and have also been lusting after after clothes I can't afford via the internet, tonight my plan is to dye my hair and have a midnight jog(so no one sees me) so that's pretty much a day in my uneventful life.