I don't know how many of you know about my little brother, but to give a basic summary, he had a liver transplant as a baby, as a result of his medication he has a very low immune system which means alot of time off of school so obviously he hasn't been able to interact with other children so much. Anyway he absolutely hates school and harms himself and is suicidal, he's only six years old, he has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but school don't take it as seriously because of his medical history, they seem to think that's the only reason he's so unhappy. Aaaaanyway, we went to see his counsellor today and it seems we are finally getting somewhere, she thinks he may has Aspergers Syndrome, I mean it's not that I'm happy that he may be autistic, but I always had an idea and if he does have it and gets a diagonosis it will be so much easier for school to help him, I'm just so so happy that we're getting somewhere, all I want is for my little boy to be happy.
On a lighter note, I binged last night and DIDN'T purge, I just thought, what's the point?! Every time I eat I purge only to empty myself to binge again, so I thought if I did allow myself to absorb the calories I might not want to binge in the morning and it WORKED! I mean it was horrible laying in bed with food inside me and I wanted to do it SO MUCH, but I didn't, it's 12pm now and I still haven't eaten today so I think my plan worked!
Monday, 17 January 2011
Finally got to sleep at 7am after crapping all night due to laxatives, woke up at 5pm planning to fast, ended up eating nachos, bacon rashers, two chicken and bacon caeser wraps, cheese and onion sandwich, a full carton of five alive and a custard danish, purged it all and now I'll be popping a few laxatives and the cycle will begin again tomorrow, oh and to top it off I'll still be the same weight in the morning.
Friday, 14 January 2011
I have decided to no longer voice an opinion for fear of making silly little girls cry, so everyone best make a choice whether I should be nice or honest, I can't be both all the time. Really fucking pissed off now, people are such hypocritical arse lickers, they really should grow a pair and stop sitting on the fucking fence, it is pathetic.
Tuesday, 11 January 2011
I went to my doctors today about my insomnia and depression and also to tell them once and for all about my bulimia, I don't want to recover, I just wanted to be diagnosed for peace of mind, so my doctor re-referred me to counselling, upped my antidepressants and arranged some blood tests to check how my vital organs are working. Today I've been really spaced out after doing my jog, you know where you really just can't get a grip at all, like looking through water, like I'm not really here, probably the lack of nutrients, ah well. I've already eaten and purged today, I spent thirteen pounds on food earlier! I must have looked such a freak walking around Tesco like a zombie, so that means I've purged thirty-two times already this year, not good at all, I need to fast for a bit.
Monday, 10 January 2011
Well firstly I'm 202lbs, my lowest weight in years, so yeah I've lost 8lbs this year so far, I'm back to being empty, binging when I eat and purging everything, the only way that makes sense, my heart is being all spazzy and I'm becoming weak again, but I'll just ignore it as per. I've started to exercise again too, shock horror! 50 crunches, 50 side ways leg lifts, 50 backwards leg lifts, 50 press ups and half an hours jogging every night, it's so much easier when my life is organized into numbers, even though it's a mess I can pretend it's not, so tired though, deary deary me, infact I don't even know what I'm on about! I'm gonna shut up now, peace out x
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
So for some absurd reason I decided to go out for a walk at three in the morning, I dunno, I'm feeling all dizzy and my heart's fucking up and I feel so fucking fat, well I AM fucking fat. I think I just had to do SOMETHING seeing as though the weight won't just fall off, so off I went into the bastard English winter and walked as fast and hard as I could, I was happy or sad, I was just manic, I kept stopping and thinking where am I? Where the fuck am I going? I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me and I'm also developing an addiction to laxatives, I'm taking them every night. I don't want to recover so please don't suggest that, I just had to get it out. I'm losing it I really am, I'm scared to go to sleep, I don't deserve to, I need to be awake to lose weight, I have college in five hours and I know I'm gonna fail my course, I fail everything, I need to stop being such a fat useless fucking failure.