Saturday, 28 May 2011

What is wrong with me?!

Well, where to start? Last night I freaked out, proper freaked out, the worst I have done in a while, basically yesterday was one of those days where you feel really in control, like you know you're not going to binge, so erm I had six hundred and something calories and thought I'd get an early night.

Well, after turning my computer off I was just laying in bed, trying to relax and my head just sort of fucked up, so I went downstairs to have a nectarine, I thought if I had a little something extra I mgiht be able to go to sleep, but i binged, not a massive binge but still a  binge.

I threw up and went back to bed and it was like everything just came crashing down on top of me, I had multiple panic attacks, I just couldn't get my breathing under control, I was telling myself 'You need to go to dad's tomorrow, you need to get out of here so you don't binge' then I was thinking I need to take an overdose, I really do, not to die but just to knock myself out for a while, so my head will shut the fuck up.

I was really scared and I was like 'Shit, what am I gonna do for the rest of my life? I fuck everything up, I don't succeed in anything, I can't grow up, I don't want to, I just want to be a little girl and have my mummy take care of me forever, my only option is death' I mean I've had these thoughts before but it was so, so overwhelming, so I was thinking 'Right I'm gonna go to a&e first thing in the morning, I need to be sectioned, I need to know what's wrong with me'.

Everything's just so suffocating, I really can't explain how bad/lost/afraid I feel in words, I just need to get away, I don't know where, the place I need doesn't even exist I don't think, anyway I settled on a plan, buy a bottle of wine, buy some painkillers/cough medicine/whatever and just get trashed for a few days so I don't have to think/die, whichever.

Well when I woke up this morning I was fine, pissed off but that's how I usually am, what the fuck is wrong with me?! Bipolar? Borderline? Scizophrenia? I need answers and I need them now, I should book an appoinment with the doctor on Monday, but I can't even be trusted to do that, I'm different from day to day, I'll forget. And even if I do book an appoinment, I'll probably forget/decide I don't need it.

I don't trust my mind anymore, I don't understand it, I don't know who I am, I've thought in this fucked up way since I was like four, I don't know what to do, what the fuck am I? Am I even real? Maybe I'm that mad that none of this is real...

On a lighter note I have lost the 4lbs I gained last week, wow I'm hjghycfgfdgffhjk.

1 comment:

  1. Well done on the weight loss but don't make me DRAG you to the doctor, miss. You know I would.
    Feel better. <3