Sunday 8 May 2011

Wow, I'm fucking pathetic.

One fucking day into my trying to be healthy plan and I fucking binged, so far I've had, a bowl of porridge, 2 apples, 2 bananas, 2 yogurts, 3 cereal bars and 2 packets of monter munch, seriously, what the fuck am I gonna do?! I need fucking help, I'm addicted, even when I know that my bulimia is killing my mum and she's not gonna be able to cope much longer, even when I know I'm eating all her money I just can't stop! I mean I've resorted to sneaking food up into my bedroom, I'm eating as I type this, then when I've finished I'm gonna have to throw up into the empty crisp packets or outside, leaving me feeling shitter than ever, I don't even enjoy this, I hate this fucking life! I honestly don't know why I haven't killed myself yet, I mean really, how much help is really out there for an overweight bulimic, I can't fucking do this, I realy can't, what if I'm like this for the rest of my life?! I might as well quit while I'm behind... god Im really fucking lost/confused/full/sick/defeated/fatfatFAT and that's what it all comes down to I'm fucking fat, I'm a fat,greedy fucking cunt and I don't deserve to eat, cause I only abuse food like a junkie abuses fucking smack! Well I guess I'm gonna have another bowl of porridge now, WITH golden syrup, finish the rest of my lemonade and go for a 'walk' so I can throw up in a field, cool. Tomorrow I'm fasting, I CANNOT control myself with food therefore I can't fucking have it, I hope my fucking Ephedrine arrives tomorrow. Oh, sorry, nearly forgot, here's another gorgeous effect of trying to give up bulimic habits, you don't fucking shit! So everything is just laying in my belly, rotting away, while I look fucking pregnant, so you see, I DO need to purge! God I'm in a terrible mood, I'm so angry, I'm gonna take laxatives tonight.

2 comments:

  1. Sweetie, I know how it feels. I binged like crazy yesterday and am still afraid to step on the scales. Try to forgive yourself for this and stay strong! xxx

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  2. Yes you ate more than you had planned, but try not to be so hard on yourself, most of the food you ate was healthy, at least you didn't binge on a load of junk food, try and look at it as a step forward rather than a failure. You are not going to beat your eating disorder overnight unfortunately. PLease try not to purge or take laxatives they will not help with your fight against bulimia.

    Try and keep your chin up :]

    Amy x

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