Wednesday, 4 May 2011

That look

The look my mother gives me after I've purged, it burns through me, it just adds to the burn of the acid, like a slap in the face, in fact a slap would be better, I wish she'd slap me, at least I'd feel like a daughter, that look, it says so much more than words ever could, it says "How did this thing grow in my womb?! I don't even know it, I don't deserve this, this isn't how a child should be, it's killing itself, it's killing me."
That look, that fucking look, an icy fist tearing through my stomach, the hollow abyss that I've just emptied, looking back through teary, bloodshot eyes, my bulging, throbbing confessions. God, that fucking look, she's seen my dirty, nasty secret, she can see the vomit splashing in my face, like she saw him do it, the same look I give myself in the mirror "You nasty, dirty, abused, selfish fucking bitch, I know what you are, I know what's happened to you, fat, ugly, worthless, used, good for nothing, damaged goods, no one will ever love you, just use you up again and again-like you use up all that food- until there's nothing left, you fat, filthy fucking whore."


  1. hold it together, baby.
    thats BS. you're a little broken. but you're strong and beautiful and worth so much. SO much.
    and i love you.
    a lot of people love you.
    mothers are difficult. pasts are difficult. the present isn't all that easy. but we have to keep going, and the future will be better.

    i love you. be strong. <3

  2. Yay you blogged. ;D

    This is so hearbreaking to read.
    You can tell it comes from a deep place.
    I love you.
    I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
    Your Mum, she doesn't understand or remember what it's like. She's forgotten, or maybe she blames herself and reflects it on you, maybe she's just confused, I dunno, I don't know her.
    whatever her reason, she's letting it out in the wrong way and I wander what she'd say if she read this.
    I'm so sorry honey.
    That list, of what you called yourself, you're none of those things.
    You're so funny, beautiful, good to talk to, honest, and bright.

    Good luck with college.