Monday, 8 November 2010

Well, abuse always seems to be a reacurrent subject where eating disorders are involved, so I thought I might share my story, so here goes...

Luke was my dad's girlfriend's son and also my best friend's brother, I always knew he was weird, he was a really bad kid, there must have been something wrong with him because he was born with one arm. He always used to like to make me do things for him, I think it made him feel powerful or something, (cause let's face it, everyone on his estate thought he was a freak with one arm, he didn't have friends) stupid stuff really, getting me to shop lift for him, making me smoke, pouring hot candle wax on me as well(I was four at this point) and just generally taking an unhealthy interest in me.
One morning, the night after I was sleeping at my dad's I came downstairs, things were different, I just sensed there was something going on, his cousin had slept over the night before( he was the same age as me and his sister). Anyway, we all went downstairs and Luke had laid out a quilt on the floor and put on some music, he said that we were going to play a game and I had to sit at one end of the quit with him and Amy had to sit at the other end with Sam because I was going to be his girlfriend and that Amy was going to be Sam's, now I wasn't very keen on the idea because to be honest I didn't like him very much. Amy decided to go to the toilet(a little too conveniently I thought) and left me with Luke and Sam, now just to set the scene, I was four and so was Sam and Luke was ten, Luke told me that he wanted to try something, I won't say exactly what he said, but it was along the lines of penetration, this seemed pretty weird to me, because I'd never heard of anything like this before, but I agreed because I thought I should do, after all he was the big kid and he was in charge. So he told me to hold up my nightie for him and he did what he wanted to do while his cousin watched and laughed, then Amy came back into the room. That morning after my mum had picked me up, I told her what had happened, because I thought it was news I guess, she was really shocked and seemed really angry, so I thought I must have done something wrong, when we got home she phoned my dad and later that day I was taken to the hospital for a horrible examination, apparently he hadn't actually managed to break my hymen so it was all okay from their perspective.
My parents never spoke to me about it after that, but Luke still used to lock me in the bedroom so I'd have to watch while he molested his little sister(my mum was told he went to live with his dad and I never saw him again).
Shortly after the incident I developed depression, night terrors and sleep paralysis, I also stopped eating, this went on for two years until I was six, I then started binge eating, at least when I was eating I wasn't thinking about anything else, I put on a lot of weight in these next two years and other children began to notice, so I started to make myself sick, it was a release, a punishment, by the time I was a teenager I'd also developed anxiety and panic attacks and managed to get myself raped another two times before the age of 16. I spent my teenage years flitting between dependence on alcohol, sleeping pills and purging. My mental illnesses got worse and worse and I found a new poison, sex. I slept around as much as possible and allowed men to use me however they wanted to, because I deserved it, I was obviously only good enough for one thing otherwise this wouldn't have happened to me in the first place.
So here I am, still with my disorders, still with my relentless fear of living an entirely sober life, but this is how I got here.


  1. Thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry you had to go through this and that your family never talked about it with you afterward :/ Anyways, I think it's very brave that you shared.

  2. Hun, you are very brave for posting this all up. I may not know you personally, but I've been reading your blog a lot and I know you are a wonderful person. It's just a matter of YOU being able to see it.

    I hope that Luke bastard is far far away from you right now. =[

    Lots of love from America,

    Dee <3333