Monday, 5 March 2012

Guh, turned my mp3 player off, I don't like music right now.
I don't a lot of the time.
I just want to want life.
How do you live? I just don't get it.
How do you wake up and do housework and visit friends and family?
How do you bathe and brush your teeth and just groom in general every day?
How can I get better when I don't even seem to be capable of living?
I don't even remember not being this way, so how can I fix myself if  only remember being broken?
I wake up and pray the time until I go to bed goes fast and that the sleep I get is long because I don't want to face another day.
I don't know what to do or where to go.
All I know is I hate myself, inside and out and I'm completely apathetic to anything and anyone else.
Apart from my mum and Tristan(and obviously my cats, yes, I realise how sad that sounds) and even then I can't do any good for them, I can't not hurt them.
I'm a financial, emotional and even physical burden to my mum, she's in debt(partially because of me) and so am I, she just goes around cleaning up for me and I just carry on existing, like some parasitic leech.
I don't see a way out of something I've tried to fight every day for as long as I can remember.
How can a therapist help? How do they make a brand new person? A real one? They can't.
This isn't even half of what I feel, but I doubt anyone will even read half of this and I don't blame them.

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