Monday, 6 February 2012

Post from yesterday(don't worry, I'm not dead!)

I'm feeling very suicidal, I want to cut, so bad, but I won't get any work if I do, I could have had a £300 shoot for a big American site but the owner didn't like my scars, anyway, back to the matter at hand, I feel so lonely, so fucking disgusting.

I thought about the abuse, about Luke about it all in detail, pictured it all in my head, in more detail than I've ever let myself before, I started to gouge and scratch bits of skin out with my nails because it was just scrambling my fucking head up, it made me feel like such a disgusting slag.
I was thinking maybe if I get some hypnotherapy to unearth it all, I have a feeling more happened than I remember, from my dreams, but that could go one of two ways, it could bring me peace or full on fuck me up.

I have this really weird feeling that maybe I should see him, I haven't seen him since I was 5, it might make things worse, but I don't know. It might bring me closure, we were both there in that situation, he was the only one that could understand, maybe if he felt remorse it'd make me feel better. Maybe if he didn't I'd realise it's actually not a big deal and I'm just being dramatic.

Ooh, I realised the sleeping pills(the ones that actually made it HARDER to sleep) were just the shitty herbal ones, so I have the proper ones now, I also have cocodamol for my wisdom tooth(I am literally in AGONY) and three litres of cider, lol, that'd probably be a really nice overdose.

Right cider time and painkillers, my face is swollen as fook!

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