Tuesday 4 January 2011
What a fucking mess.
So for some absurd reason I decided to go out for a walk at three in the morning, I dunno, I'm feeling all dizzy and my heart's fucking up and I feel so fucking fat, well I AM fucking fat. I think I just had to do SOMETHING seeing as though the weight won't just fall off, so off I went into the bastard English winter and walked as fast and hard as I could, I was happy or sad, I was just manic, I kept stopping and thinking where am I? Where the fuck am I going? I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me and I'm also developing an addiction to laxatives, I'm taking them every night. I don't want to recover so please don't suggest that, I just had to get it out. I'm losing it I really am, I'm scared to go to sleep, I don't deserve to, I need to be awake to lose weight, I have college in five hours and I know I'm gonna fail my course, I fail everything, I need to stop being such a fat useless fucking failure.
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A 3:00 am walk? Sounds interesting, yet not a bad idea whatsoever.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about the dizziness and heart problems :(. I hope it's nothing serious because you deserve to live and be happy.
I know how hypocritical this is, but it doesn't matter what size you are - you'll always be beautiful.
Plus, I completely disagree that you are a useless failure.
Take care and I hope you feel better soon. xx
I go for walks at random times a lot.
ReplyDeleteClears my head. And I feel better. I love the silence and the aloneness. Just I guess if I was powerwalking, it wouldn't be as good...
If there's any behaviour you should drop, laxative abuse is one. Shiiiit that fucked up my insides. =/
ily, doll. Good luck. I have nothing of more use to say... <3