My Facebook Group

http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/304260326284479/

Join if you like, but no 'i <3 ana/mia, there gona make meh perfect' bullshit please though.

New start and shit...

I'm gonna start sorting my happiness, I can't just mope around waiting for it to find me.

I'm gonna start socialising again, meeting new people, nights out every week, going to munches.

I wanna find a new man, a good one this time, gonna start le weightloss again, work out every day, start wearing makeup again and just get out there.

So to start with I'm doing a fruit and veg only diet for a month or so.

Also how fucking good is America's Next Top Model: All Stars?! I thought I couldn't possibly love ANTM any more than I already did, but it's proven me wrong!

Also also, do I suit gingerness?

Dick hole

Ah well the Gateway councellor said I can't have secondary care(mental IP) because that's for people with severe mental illnesses despite me telling him about my compulsions to OD and cut and he was like "Well you haven't self harmed in months, that makes me wonder how urgent it is..." I hate it when they dare you to hurt yourself like that!

The silent therapists that just sit there waiting for you to pour your heart to them, but this guy just kept talking over me, le sigh.

*sigh*

Guh, my mum is a lifesaver.

I wasn't going to go to my appointment today because i can't handle the journey and she's letting me get a taxi.

But these fucking gateway counsellors are shit, they don't fucking help, I need to get a prescription and sick note too, which the gateway can't give me.
...
I wishI wasn't onthese shitty drugs, I hate them, I hate being addicted to them, I hate the fact I feel so crappy until I've taken them, I hate the fact I have to go to my doctor's once a month for medication and a sick note, I just want to be free.

I hate thefact that my doctors are shit and they don't believe that the tablets are addictive, has ANYONE ever heard of Venlafaxine/Effexor NOT being addictive? WTF?! They're basically saying Im lying, I can FEEL the withdrawal symptoms, the dizziness the tingling,t he mood swings!

Iwas thinking about just going to the loony bin and saying I'm having thoughts of harming myself(which is completely true) maybe I'll get some help after observation, I just need a break, I need to escape, I don't know what to do.

I just want someone to care, to look after me, Idon't know what I want but I'm slowly losing my mind, everything's just wrong.

Post from yesterday(don't worry, I'm not dead!)

I'm feeling very suicidal, I want to cut, so bad, but I won't get any work if I do, I could have had a £300 shoot for a big American site but the owner didn't like my scars, anyway, back to the matter at hand, I feel so lonely, so fucking disgusting.


I thought about the abuse, about Luke about it all in detail, pictured it all in my head, in more detail than I've ever let myself before, I started to gouge and scratch bits of skin out with my nails because it was just scrambling my fucking head up, it made me feel like such a disgusting slag.
...
I was thinking maybe if I get some hypnotherapy to unearth it all, I have a feeling more happened than I remember, from my dreams, but that could go one of two ways, it could bring me peace or full on fuck me up.

I have this really weird feeling that maybe I should see him, I haven't seen him since I was 5, it might make things worse, but I don't know. It might bring me closure, we were both there in that situation, he was the only one that could understand, maybe if he felt remorse it'd make me feel better. Maybe if he didn't I'd realise it's actually not a big deal and I'm just being dramatic.

Ooh, I realised the sleeping pills(the ones that actually made it HARDER to sleep) were just the shitty herbal ones, so I have the proper ones now, I also have cocodamol for my wisdom tooth(I am literally in AGONY) and three litres of cider, lol, that'd probably be a really nice overdose.


Right cider time and painkillers, my face is swollen as fook!

Fuck.

I don't think I can handle this any more, I've gained so much weight, it's fucking killing me, the jeans I'm wearing today, they're so tight, they don't even fit and they used to be loose.

Every day, I wake up planning not to binge and every day I fucking do, I've put on so much weight, I'm disgusted with myself, I feel suffocated, I don't even recognise my body, all that hard work, for what? I'm fucking terrified, if it doesn't stop soon, I won't even be able to continue modelling.

I'm scared to go out of the fucking house because I look so hideous, I don't feel comfortable in anything, even my fat clothes, my body aches, I fucking hate it, I fucking hate me.

And don't tell me it's okay, because it's not, I'm terrified because I can't stop it, I can't stop binging and I don't know what to do.