Friday, 22 April 2011

Swallowing me up.

I'm really frustrated and lost and lots of other things, I only binged and purged once yesterday and for most days this week, I haven't absorbed food at all for like a week and I still remain at 191lbs, I go to bed hungry every fucking night, but I'm still a fat monster. I can't even have an eating disorder right, I just want to die instead of living as a failed anorexic, where is the dignity of ramming my fat fingers down my fat fucking throat?! I'll never be ill enough to get help, I'll never be thin enough to matter, what is fucking wrong with me?! FAT, DIRTY, USELESS, UGLY, PATHETIC, UNLOVEABLE, DISGUSTING, UNTALENTED, UNSUCCESSFUL, BURDENSOME, SELFISH, EVIL FUCKING PIG.


  1. there is no "right" way to have an eating disorder. but, there is one thing which most sufferers have in common; pain.

    You are hurting. You ARE ill enough. Weight means fuck all (hur hur, you know what I mean)
    it is not an indicator of how much a person aches inside.

    You've lost a lot of weight. It saddens me. You're ebautiful. You've lost so much weight, yet I'll bet you still see yourself as probably double the size you were at your heaviest?

    all those things you described yourself as. not true. you are beautiful. you aren't ugly. you are capably and worthy of so much. so so much.

    But, I'll agree that you ARE evil; then again, the best people are...

    haha, jk. ;]

  2. I can relate to this all too well. I feel like I'm not successful in my eating disorder at all... I'm not becoming the skinny anorexic I "want" to be. Appendix up there said it perfectly. You're worthy. You're lovable. You are something more than your sickness.


  3. Don't stess sweetheart. I have thesw days all the time when nothing is good enough. Im a healthy weight appareently and I try so damn hard to be thin. oh well. Still ED is not going by your weight, and you shouldn't feel like it is, you are hurting inside, stay positive. xx p.s i love your flaming red hair. Gorgeous. xx

  4. I second everything Naz wrote.
    I Love you.
    That´s all.

  5. I agree with Naz aswell. There's no right or wrong way to have an eating disorder. It's a disease, not a skill. There are no set guidelines saying how "sick" you have to be to get help.

    I hope things improve for you, you're amazing.