Night-fucking-bastard-terrors

I swear to God(don't worry, I don't believe in the cunt), fucking night terrors, I hate them so much. What is the point in living when there's no peace? I go from one hell to another, waking up, going to sleep, there's just no rest.

Why ever the things in my head hate me so much, want me to die so much, I'll never know, but they mean business...

And now I sound totally crazy, obviously, but it feels so, so real, I find it hard to convince myself it's not. It's not like I can just hear them, I can feel the fuckers and sometimes see them when I've first woke up, they choke me, push me about, move me, that's not all in my stupid fucking head.

Oh God, I really do sound fucking crazy.

What life is there for me? Who can accept me for what I am? For this?! Seriously.

So I had to sleep on my mum's bedroom floor last night.

Fucking pathetic.

Well.

I really want to stop living. I actually do. My life is pathetic.

I had to sleep in my mum's room last night because of my night terrors, that's after crying like a retard for like an hour before trying to go to sleep, punching myself in the face and scratching myself till I bled, then desperately searching ebay for razor blades cheap enough to spend the rest of my money on.

I've just got up and now I'm crying and binging, I'll probably take more laxatives after I've purged.

I'm so unhappy. I want to die.

Dead.

Anxious, neurotic, total mess, everyone's pissing me off, they make me feel literally sick.

I need to get away, somewhere, I feel extremely suicidal. My feelings are allover the place, I can go from optimistic to suicidal within seconds, I really can't fucking cope.

I'm numb and raw at the same time, I want to binge, I don't ever want to see food again... I don't know what to do, I need to get away, I need to escape. I'm scared, I'm scared of everything, I'm scared of myself, I'm scared of living, I'm scared of dying, I'm scared of sleeping, I'm scared of waking up.

I don't know what to do.

I want someone to tell me what to do, for once, not fucking ask me, tell me, do something, just help me.

I'm so depressed and fucking lonely and I can't even cry.

Hungry.

I want to eat. I want to eat and I'm so fucking mad at myself for it. I can't, because then I'll have to purge again and the purge earlier made my throat all scratchy and I spat more blood than usual(I blame the cheese) and I got the puffy cheeks(I never normally get that) and I'm such a fat, greedy wreck. FATFATFAT. 

I want to go downstairs and workout seeing as though I can't fucking sleep(and it's nearly midnight) but I might end up eating and I really can't fucking do that, cause if I purge I'll wake my mum uup and if I don't I'll be even more depressed.

I've run out of bastard sleeping pills as well, my doctor would only trust me with 2 until she saw me.

I recut the 'FAT' on my thigh because it looked like it said 'EAT' and it was pissing me off... that's even more embarassing than what it really says.

Why must I be such a greedy fucking bitch? It's not like my stomach is even making noise, it doesn't even hurt, it's just... there. I wish it would just fucking go away, I wish I could tear it out.

I might have a cup of tea and work out.

Took my little brother to the School fair...

... and got some stuff, couldn't help myself! :)

Got earrings matching the bracelet too.

Le boys...

Presenting... *drum roll* Corin...

Iggy...

Samson...

and Grub...

So, I ended up having some raw almonds. I tried to leave it at one handful, but I ended up nomming the rest of them. There were like 40 of the fuckers as well, but at least they're gone now lol, they can no longer haunt me!

If I'm hungry later I'll have a tin of tuna with tabasco sauce and garlic and I'mma have a 38 cal hot chocolate too.

Back with a bang, I think(I hope)

I'm happy that I've thrown up all of what I've eaten today.


I'm happy that I can feel the little flutters in my chest start again.


I'm happy that I feel like I can cope and move without food inside me.


I'm happy that I'm terrified to eat again today.


I'm happy that I don't plan on eating until tomorrow evening.


I'm happy that I have to purge anything that's not a safe food.


I am happy that Bulimia is tightening it's grip on me.


And most of all I'm happy that my life seems to have an element of control to it again, finally I can breathe, finally, I don't have to pretend to myself or anyone else that I'm recovering any more.

Fucking Hell!

Well, looks like I can't eat nuts when I'm restricting because I just devour them like a Bulimic squirrel. So I've ended up binging... sort of(two and a half handfuls of raw nuts, two clementines, a banana, an apple, a cornetto and a biscuit) and purging... fuck it, I'm going to the co-op to buy some food to b/p later and I'm having some laxatives. Livin' the dream lol.

I've prolly had like 3000 calories today, purged some of them, started off well, then got a chinese and barfed it back up.

I've been on two walks though, done some press ups(against the wall) and some kettle bell swings.


I want some new dumbells, ooh and I'm getting a sit up thingy.

The Phoenix Rises Again!

M’kay, so after royally fucking up yesterday and binging(I’ll spare you the gory details) I’ve bounced back this morning with a bio, breakfast yogurt and a serving of grapes for breakfast(206 calories) so I’m going to take a bath, pick up my prescriptions and go for a walk in the awful Yorkshire weather and I should have earned my lunch then :)

Trying to do it the healthy way again...

So today so far, I've had two sachets of instant porridge(like 400?) a slice of cheese on toast(say 200?) and a cheese and balsamic dressing salad(200?)... honey on toast(let's say 300) and peas(90), if I'm a good girl I can come back from this, gonna go for a walk too.

Got a weigh in with the nurse in like 3 weeks so I NEED to lose! Might do a kettlebell workout later too :D


So 1190 today so far, reckon I'm gonna have roast parsnips and sweet potato with mixed veg and beans for tea and that's it!

Hmm

I want to kill myself.

.

New routine and goal rewards

9am: Wake up and have my big cup of coffee.

10am: Sachet of porridge made with water and a sachet of Truvia with an apple followed by a cup of Lady Grey.

11am: Get ready and go for a walk for a couple of hours.

1pm: Tuna salad, an apple and cup of Earl Grey.

2pm: Do 30 day shred.

2:30pm: Post work out apple and slim-a-soup.

2:30-6pm: Read, paint nails, listen to music, draw, write etc.

6pm: Low calorie meal of some sort.

If I'm still hungry I can have a slim-a-soup before bed.



GW1: 16st/224 - Reward: Snorlax Tattoo.

GW2: 15st/210 - Reward: Nose re-pierced.

GW3: 14st/196 - Reward: Artificial dreads and acrylic nails.

GW4: 13st/182 - Reward: New pair of heels and cherry blossom tattoo.

GW5: 12st/168 - Reward: Pin up style latex dress.

GW6: 11st/154 - Reward: Strap on :P


Haven't thought of my other goal rewards yet, but I'm sure I'll think of some...

Back to the start.

Fuck it, I keep complaining that I'm fatter than when I restricted and purged all the time... WELL DUH! That's because I don't restrict or purge anymore, from now on I aim to fast, anything that isn't just liquid will be purged and I WILL work out for at least 2 hours a day.


I aim to lose a stone each month, that means 9 months to UGW.


I will do it this time, I'm not throwing it away again.

Best GIF ever!

Gonna get my hurr did

http://www.dreadlockshop.co.uk/thin-dreads.html

I’m saving up for some of these bitches! I’m gonna get 60 fushia pink and 20 blue and pink twisted to mix in… I’ll have to dye my hair bright pink beforehand and I don’t care if I look like a pretentious turd-face, extensions make my hair grow quicker and I like them :)

Now to find someone that knows how to put them in lol.

TMIx1000=


BODY, Y U GIVE ME LAX CRAMPS WHEN I HAVEN'T EVEN TAKEN ANY?!


Seriously, I just keep getting horrible cramps then having to squeeze out like half a teaspoon of the strangest shit ever.


And my bowels smell fucking rancid... it's like I have a dead body in my colon and I'm just crapping it out bit by bit ugh...


On the other hand I'm doing better at dieting and not starving like a retard today, it's 5pm and I've had two crackers and a pepperami, it might not sound a lot, but that's more than I'd had at this time yesterday and I'm still gonna have the fruit and yogurt and tuna :)


Gotta save some calories for cider too though.


Also, note to self: Don't have 1.5 litres of cider and three Xanax before bed... the cider alone is enough to make me sleep... I hate wasting drugs :(

Gah

Scared for weigh in tomorrow


Don't want to add up today's calories


I know they're well too low, at least the heart palps have gone though


Thank you cider and Xanax


I know I won't have lost enough though


I need to make more of an effort


Hopefully I'm getting back to the old me(even if she was fucked up)


I can't continue being this size anyway






*deep breath* everything will be fine(like I believe that lol)




Also, I've been considering whether to shit into a tub or something(gnarly I know) to decipher whether I'm shitting blood, still won't stop me from using my weapon of choice though.


Maybe I should poo on that spider in my bath, show him who's boss lol, I kid I kid, I'd never do that!

Strange binge

So I had the fucking insane urge to binge, so I had this great/stupid/fucked up idea that if I do binge on sweet stuff, it has to be sweet stuff that has a laxative effect, so here I a with a bag of soft eating liquorice , a big bag of dried apricots and a big bag of dried banana chips lol... still a fucking shit load of calories, but hopefully it'll make me shit... I'll prolly still purge it though and then just drink the rest of my cider. 

Haha, my life is so meaningful... and this is me on a good day!... seriously, I went for a walk and shit, this is happy Charlotte!

Doing good today.

On 395 calories so far booyah!

Porridge made with water and splenda for breakfast

Tuna with black pepper, tabasco and balsamic vinegar and iceberg lettuce for lunch

And 5 gherkins

Gonna find a nice low cal recipe to make for me and my mum for tea or just make a vegan chilli without rice, gonna do an hour jogging and some strength training then, booyakasha!

Thennn, I'm reading some more of my book cause it's a good book :)

Mother's Day Lunch

Hmm well that didn't go according to plan... got a salad, then Tristan left most of his chips so I ate them, then I thought fuck it and had apple crumble and custard... and a pint of stella, Jesus Christ :( we went for a walk after though and we walked to the pub in the first place, but fucking hell! AND mum wants a chinese tonight, I will be purging that, that's for sure. Still gonna workout tonight though, gonna do a kettlebell workout and an hour of wii fit jogging, then I'mma try doing a 3 day fast from tomorrow.


Also, I have a tumblr now too(yes I gave in) so if you have one, follow me and shit... http://burningphoenixbigfatbulimicmess.tumblr.com/

Today

Binged, purged, binged again, having some wine now, got my eyebrows threaded.


Don't know why I write on this blog any more, nobody reads it.

Fast

I'm fasting.


From tomorrow, food only makes me worse.


I can't cope with it right now.


I hate it.


I hate it so much.


I hope I can stick to it. 


If I can't, I don't know what I'll end up doing.

I want to die, or be sectioned.


I don't feel right.


Or safe in my head.


I don't want responsibility.


Or food.


Or drink.


Or anything.


Just sleep.


Forever.


I have an appointment on Friday but I don't know if I can last that long, what if it doesn't help? 


I need to be sectioned. 


I think. 


I don't know... this is all because of a binge. 


I knew how it'd make me feel, why did I do it?

Binging again

Can't believe it.


Purging, fair enough, I deserve it.


Cutting, whatever.


Laxatives, knew I'd end up doing them again.


But binging?


I tried, I tried so hard.


Just one lousy day of restricting and I couldn't fucking do it.


I really tried, tried to just buy the fucking kidney beans and tomatoes.


But I came home with loads of disgusting shite and now I'm eating it now and it's gonna get purged.


And I hate myself more.

Fucking fuck!

Right, so you know when like a dumb bitch you think you've escaped the pain? 
I downed 3 litres of water pooed loads without any pain, though Everything was gonna be all right, LOL!
After a couple of hours I got up, started pooing again... cue agony.
Then, like a dumb bitch, I purged the water I'd drank so I'd poo less and a load of stomach acid, then went to bed.
Couple of hours later more cramps and poo, I dizzily drag myself downstairs for my flavoured water, then come back  to the toilet and drink a load of it and disembowel myself into the toilet a bit more.
I finally got to bed at like six in the morning but had really weird dreams cause of the dehydration.
But.
But, that's not even the worst bit.
I gained fucking weight!


How fucking dignified.

Oh shit!(literally)

Well, first time I've had laxatives in like... well over 6 months.

Why when I know the normal dose will work do I take 4 times the amount?

It's gonna be a rough night, that's for sure.


I've had four, I purged thoroughly though, I'm just gonna drink loads and workout and wait for the pain to start.


I already regret it.


Spaz!

Guh, turned my mp3 player off, I don't like music right now.
I don't a lot of the time.
I just want to want life.
How do you live? I just don't get it.
How do you wake up and do housework and visit friends and family?
How do you bathe and brush your teeth and just groom in general every day?
How can I get better when I don't even seem to be capable of living?
I don't even remember not being this way, so how can I fix myself if  only remember being broken?
I wake up and pray the time until I go to bed goes fast and that the sleep I get is long because I don't want to face another day.
I don't know what to do or where to go.
All I know is I hate myself, inside and out and I'm completely apathetic to anything and anyone else.
Apart from my mum and Tristan(and obviously my cats, yes, I realise how sad that sounds) and even then I can't do any good for them, I can't not hurt them.
I'm a financial, emotional and even physical burden to my mum, she's in debt(partially because of me) and so am I, she just goes around cleaning up for me and I just carry on existing, like some parasitic leech.
I don't see a way out of something I've tried to fight every day for as long as I can remember.
How can a therapist help? How do they make a brand new person? A real one? They can't.
This isn't even half of what I feel, but I doubt anyone will even read half of this and I don't blame them.

How can you fix something that's been broken for so long?

I actually, seriously want to die, nothing gets better, it only gets worse.

I... I don't know what to do... I don't even have the words.

I feel ready to die, but I know I'll live and carry on feeding this fat body and carry on being this pointless person living this pointless life, but I'm dead inside, there's nothing there.

The last option

I'm seriously thinking of asking for a gastric band, I'm terrified of surgery and I always said I wouldn't go down that route, because it's cheating.

But I don't know what else to do, I genuinely can't control my eating and it's ruining my life, I can't live like this any more, being fat and having my whole life made a misery by food.

New tattoo

Fuck me, long posts are hard to read...


Sorry if I don't reply to them, I have the attention span of a hyperactive goldfish.


I'mma start designing my next tattoo today, I want a girl in bondage, a bit pinup style, all grey and black apart from the red bondage rope and red hair :)

Feeling a bit more positive today, I've bought some books, some art supplies, a hairdye, some lotion and a new dress, that's cheered me up, I never get to get thee proper black girl shampoo and skin products that I need, so now I've got some instead of using my mum's shampoo and shit.
I can actually do something as well with having my new books, I bought adrian mole, one of my all time faves, one about white women with black servants in the deep south 1940's, one about evacuee children in the war and one called being a woman, that's about a woman's place in society and all that shit, so they should all be good reads. :)


And I'm getting back to the gym tomorrow, booyah!

I feel like dying

Maybe I should run away.
Nowhere to run to though.
Nobody to run to.
Maybe I should kill myself.
I don't know.
All I do is piss everyone off, I'm such a burden.
Don't tell me that's not true, it is.
I'm not an adult, I don't know how to live.
I wish someone would save me.
I wish I could die.
There's nothing to my life, I don't do anything.
I have no purpose.
Really, truly.
This isn't depression, it's just the truth.
I'm just a person gone wrong.
And when something goes wrong and can't seem to be fixed, you just get rid of it right?
I think I'm going to run away.
If that doesn't work, I'll just kill myself.


Sounds like a plan.

I'm such a retard, it's not even funny...

Gah, sorry to be a downer(not in the syndrome way, in the depressive way lol)

But I cut this morning... I don't even know why, I was bored and grossed out with myself...

My mum's gonna see it, I don't want to hurt her or disappoint her, it's been ages since I've done it.

I don't even know why... it's not like i want to be covered in scars that people will see and judge me by and draw even more attention to my monstrous self.

WTF man, I'm such a douche.


I blame the Gateway Counsellor, he pretty much dared me to do it again and it's been in my mind since, like I was just lying or some shit... whatever, he looks like a paedophile anyway.

A few photos from my last shoot

Bulimia, obesity and modelling, ironic right?

Also, I <3 being ginger, that's why I even type in ginger ;)

Update

Daily Update:

Right, I did it, I ate my tea!

If I want to avoid binging I need to not starve myself.

Sooo....

Baby corn 50 cals
Packet of french fries 88 cals
Baked potato with tuna, salad and salad cream, let's just round that to 500

So altogether 638.. shit, that's a bit low, but I don't want to eat more this late on.

Gonna do wii fit jogging and hula hoop, then Just Dance, 100 sit ups and some kettlebell training.

POST FOR NAZ!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qUUsWYjDkA

This is us man, JiHaD 4 lYf!! Brap brap braaaap!

Fucking bastard family.

So it was my Auntie's 40th last night, no one invited me, all the rest of the family were 


there(all the rest being her nine siblings, including my dad and over 20 fucking cousins) 


no one fucking bothers with me, my dad has the time for every other fucker, but not me, 


it's just some money in a card, brings it to my house and then that's it till Christmas.

I swear to god, I fucking hate my family, it's not like I've never tried with my Dad... a family 


that fucking big and I never see any of them.

Fuck them man, at least I have my mum and Tristan.

Ah well, they're all fucking black anyway.

Booyah!

So I'm 4lbs down, weighed this morning, not too bad.

Also Naz(i) I left you a comment back on my post below :P

I want to be thin(like you've never heard that before)

I wish I was throwing up 5 times a day again, I wish I was back a my LW(189, still overweight lol) again.

I would never allow myself to gain back to this.

Never.

I wish I was thinner, it would make me happier, it did make me happier.

Crazy, but happy(ish), manic is good, I want that back, and more.

I want to be thinner.

Thin.

My Facebook Group

http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/304260326284479/

Join if you like, but no 'i <3 ana/mia, there gona make meh perfect' bullshit please though.

New start and shit...

I'm gonna start sorting my happiness, I can't just mope around waiting for it to find me.

I'm gonna start socialising again, meeting new people, nights out every week, going to munches.

I wanna find a new man, a good one this time, gonna start le weightloss again, work out every day, start wearing makeup again and just get out there.

So to start with I'm doing a fruit and veg only diet for a month or so.

Also how fucking good is America's Next Top Model: All Stars?! I thought I couldn't possibly love ANTM any more than I already did, but it's proven me wrong!

Also also, do I suit gingerness?

Dick hole

Ah well the Gateway councellor said I can't have secondary care(mental IP) because that's for people with severe mental illnesses despite me telling him about my compulsions to OD and cut and he was like "Well you haven't self harmed in months, that makes me wonder how urgent it is..." I hate it when they dare you to hurt yourself like that!

The silent therapists that just sit there waiting for you to pour your heart to them, but this guy just kept talking over me, le sigh.

*sigh*

Guh, my mum is a lifesaver.

I wasn't going to go to my appointment today because i can't handle the journey and she's letting me get a taxi.

But these fucking gateway counsellors are shit, they don't fucking help, I need to get a prescription and sick note too, which the gateway can't give me.
...
I wishI wasn't onthese shitty drugs, I hate them, I hate being addicted to them, I hate the fact I feel so crappy until I've taken them, I hate the fact I have to go to my doctor's once a month for medication and a sick note, I just want to be free.

I hate thefact that my doctors are shit and they don't believe that the tablets are addictive, has ANYONE ever heard of Venlafaxine/Effexor NOT being addictive? WTF?! They're basically saying Im lying, I can FEEL the withdrawal symptoms, the dizziness the tingling,t he mood swings!

Iwas thinking about just going to the loony bin and saying I'm having thoughts of harming myself(which is completely true) maybe I'll get some help after observation, I just need a break, I need to escape, I don't know what to do.

I just want someone to care, to look after me, Idon't know what I want but I'm slowly losing my mind, everything's just wrong.

Post from yesterday(don't worry, I'm not dead!)

I'm feeling very suicidal, I want to cut, so bad, but I won't get any work if I do, I could have had a £300 shoot for a big American site but the owner didn't like my scars, anyway, back to the matter at hand, I feel so lonely, so fucking disgusting.


I thought about the abuse, about Luke about it all in detail, pictured it all in my head, in more detail than I've ever let myself before, I started to gouge and scratch bits of skin out with my nails because it was just scrambling my fucking head up, it made me feel like such a disgusting slag.
...
I was thinking maybe if I get some hypnotherapy to unearth it all, I have a feeling more happened than I remember, from my dreams, but that could go one of two ways, it could bring me peace or full on fuck me up.

I have this really weird feeling that maybe I should see him, I haven't seen him since I was 5, it might make things worse, but I don't know. It might bring me closure, we were both there in that situation, he was the only one that could understand, maybe if he felt remorse it'd make me feel better. Maybe if he didn't I'd realise it's actually not a big deal and I'm just being dramatic.

Ooh, I realised the sleeping pills(the ones that actually made it HARDER to sleep) were just the shitty herbal ones, so I have the proper ones now, I also have cocodamol for my wisdom tooth(I am literally in AGONY) and three litres of cider, lol, that'd probably be a really nice overdose.


Right cider time and painkillers, my face is swollen as fook!