Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Shitting fuck, my fucking brain.

God, if I want to be numb then why do I binge?! That's the furthest away from fucking numb that I can get, I can't fucking think straight, all my feelings are fucking suffocating me, all my thoughts are allover the fucking place, filling up my head and my big fat body and I feel like I'm gonna fucking burst. I don't want to feel like this but I don't want to purge either, I still want to fucking eat, I want to eat enough to justify purging but I doubt mum's gonna give me money just so I can be a pig, I want to eat, I want to throw up, I want laxatives, then I want to go to sleep. After that, I don't know, I wish I didn't want it, I wish I fucking knew what to do with food other than this, I wish I didn't need to eat or that eating didn't make me feel like I'm being strangled from the inside, I can't even fucking breathe properly, I wish wish wish I could kill myself and nobody would care. 
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4 comments:

  1. Anonymous15 June 2011 at 11:24

    i'm really sorry you feel so rubbish :(

    i don't know what to suggest but i really hope you feel better soon lovely,

    xxxx

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  2. Ruri15 June 2011 at 12:25

    That sounds horrible dear...
    Suicide isn't the answer, ever. Feelings suck but there is so much to love about being alive. Best part is the feelings dont last forever.
    You're a beautiful and smart girl and you dont need to be doing this to yourself.
    Also, I meant to say on PT but since I am commenting now...
    I love what you're doing with the ProjectED bodies blog. It is such an inspired idea and a great way to raise awareness. You're doing so much good and that's why the comment on killing yourself is upsetting I guess. It would be a waste of a great person. I am inspired by you.

    Don't give up on yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  3. killa kristen16 June 2011 at 08:30

    :( samesies

    I can't stand not purging either. Especially laxatives. Have you tried setting up some sort of reward system with your mom/yourself? Maybe if you have something to keep up with it'll make these shitty feelings subside? Blah, I wish I didn't have to sound so inspirational and could ask you to come to New York so we could have a binge/laxative party... yes... I've actually had one... don't worry, there's 3 bathroom's in my house ;) but seriously. I hope you feel better <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous17 June 2011 at 02:44

    I love you, babe. And I'm in exactly the same place you are. I wish you felt better. I wish you didn't have to deal with this. Fuck it all. I fucking adore you, woman. Keep trying. <3

    ReplyDelete

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