Feelings and shit.

I dunno, I just don't get why, if I hate myself soooo much, then why can't I fucking starve myself? Why do I have to go through the process of eating knowing full well I'll make myself sick?! I don't think I can possibly hate myself more, I want to fucking starve, I want people to see how fucked up I really am, I want to be underweight so people can actually SEE that there is something wrong with me, I don't want to be strangled by all this fat anymore, I don't want anyone to have to see my beastly, fat, dirty, disgusting, filthy, greedy, WEAK, fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fucking body ever again.