So far so good...

I've done rather well today so far, had four of my meals, did my walk, tidied my room, I've been all productive, I'm proud! So here's what I've had so far...

Meal one: 2 slices of wholegrain toast with a scraping of margarine, 304 calories.

Meal two: Low fat yogurt and a large banana, 235 calories.

Meal three: Golden delicious apple and a Tesco light choices chocolate and orange cereal bar, 115 calories.

Meal four: Cod fillet with 2 birdseye steamfresh veg bags, 160 calories.

Meal five: Porridge made with water and one teaspoon of brown sugar and an apple, 236 calories.

Meal six: A cereal bar, a low fat yogurt and a fruit stick, 243 calories.

So my grand total today is 1293 calories, JUST inside my limit!

My new healthy weight loss/general health plan.

This is the closest I can get to recovery before I'm given the right treatment...

5-7 small meals a day(around 200 cals)
For every cup of tea/coffee I have, I have to match that with a cup of water.
Walk or run my usual route around the village once a day.
No computer access until all jobs have been done.
No binging.
No purging.
No cutting.
No junk food.
Update food log daily.
Weigh no more than once a week(Mondays)
Eat no less than 1000 calories a day.
Eat no more than 1500 calories a day.
DO HOUSE WORK!

Foods around 100 calories(2 per meal)
Eggs(2)
Apple
Banana
Raisins(handful)
Low fat yoghurt
Oranges
Tomatoes
Nuts(unsalted)
Tuna
Cod fillet(unbreaded)
Quorn chicken
Potatoes
Sweet potatoes
Sweetcorn
Peas
Beans
Carotts

Foods around 200 calories(1 per meal)
Quorn sandwich meat sandwich(on wholegrain with margarine and mustard)
Brown rice(handful)
Wholemeal pasta(handful)
Breakfast bars

Free foods
Cauliflower
Mushrooms
Green vegetables
Skimmed milk in hot drinks

I fucking hate him.

I fucking really do, I mean after 19 years of the selfish, black bastard(my father) treating me like shit, putting me to the bottom of the pile, abandoning me when he found out I'd been ruined(by HIS fucking slut of a girlfriends son), finally, I really do hate him, my mum said me and my bulimia's just too much to handle by herself and i'm fucking her up, she said I needed to tell my dad. So I text him(it's pretty much the only way we communicate apart from the odd grunt or shrug) telling him how I've been suffering from bulimia and depression for some years now and I've had a lot of difficulty with getting  treatment and that I'm sorry basically. Anyway, the fucking cunt hasn't even bothered to respond, I'm done with him, I really fucking am, I hate him, he's a pathetic excuse for a father, maybe he should have kept his dick to himself, then I wouldn't fucking exist! 

That look

The look my mother gives me after I've purged, it burns through me, it just adds to the burn of the acid, like a slap in the face, in fact a slap would be better, I wish she'd slap me, at least I'd feel like a daughter, that look, it says so much more than words ever could, it says "How did this thing grow in my womb?! I don't even know it, I don't deserve this, this isn't how a child should be, it's killing itself, it's killing me."
That look, that fucking look, an icy fist tearing through my stomach, the hollow abyss that I've just emptied, looking back through teary, bloodshot eyes, my bulging, throbbing confessions. God, that fucking look, she's seen my dirty, nasty secret, she can see the vomit splashing in my face, like she saw him do it, the same look I give myself in the mirror "You nasty, dirty, abused, selfish fucking bitch, I know what you are, I know what's happened to you, fat, ugly, worthless, used, good for nothing, damaged goods, no one will ever love you, just use you up again and again-like you use up all that food- until there's nothing left, you fat, filthy fucking whore."

Ooh watch out, here comes the big man!

Today I started work at 12, had to leave after an hour cause it was dead, food wise I've only had sugar free redbull and coffee, I've slipped back into purging everything, but the binging isn't anywhere near as bad. Also, I've managed to break that motherfucking plateau!(only by 0.8lbs but shhh!) but for some fucked up reason I believe it's because I cut 'FAT' into my thigh last night, so the punishment made me worthy of a loss, I'm such a freak! Ooh I have a new kitten too, he's so cute, he's like a little fat baby insect, so we've called him Grub! I have a an interview/audition for college on Friday and I am positvely SHITTING myself! I have to do a two minute dance piece and a monologue and I might even have to sing, other news, with my first wage I bought some Ephedrine, can't wait till it arrives! But enough about me, kittuhs!

Swallowing me up.

I'm really frustrated and lost and lots of other things, I only binged and purged once yesterday and for most days this week, I haven't absorbed food at all for like a week and I still remain at 191lbs, I go to bed hungry every fucking night, but I'm still a fat monster. I can't even have an eating disorder right, I just want to die instead of living as a failed anorexic, where is the dignity of ramming my fat fingers down my fat fucking throat?! I'll never be ill enough to get help, I'll never be thin enough to matter, what is fucking wrong with me?! FAT, DIRTY, USELESS, UGLY, PATHETIC, UNLOVEABLE, DISGUSTING, UNTALENTED, UNSUCCESSFUL, BURDENSOME, SELFISH, EVIL FUCKING PIG.

Feelings and shit.

I dunno, I just don't get why, if I hate myself soooo much, then why can't I fucking starve myself? Why do I have to go through the process of eating knowing full well I'll make myself sick?! I don't think I can possibly hate myself more, I want to fucking starve, I want people to see how fucked up I really am, I want to be underweight so people can actually SEE that there is something wrong with me, I don't want to be strangled by all this fat anymore, I don't want anyone to have to see my beastly, fat, dirty, disgusting, filthy, greedy, WEAK, fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fucking body ever again.