What is wrong with me?!

Well, where to start? Last night I freaked out, proper freaked out, the worst I have done in a while, basically yesterday was one of those days where you feel really in control, like you know you're not going to binge, so erm I had six hundred and something calories and thought I'd get an early night.

Well, after turning my computer off I was just laying in bed, trying to relax and my head just sort of fucked up, so I went downstairs to have a nectarine, I thought if I had a little something extra I mgiht be able to go to sleep, but i binged, not a massive binge but still a  binge.

I threw up and went back to bed and it was like everything just came crashing down on top of me, I had multiple panic attacks, I just couldn't get my breathing under control, I was telling myself 'You need to go to dad's tomorrow, you need to get out of here so you don't binge' then I was thinking I need to take an overdose, I really do, not to die but just to knock myself out for a while, so my head will shut the fuck up.

I was really scared and I was like 'Shit, what am I gonna do for the rest of my life? I fuck everything up, I don't succeed in anything, I can't grow up, I don't want to, I just want to be a little girl and have my mummy take care of me forever, my only option is death' I mean I've had these thoughts before but it was so, so overwhelming, so I was thinking 'Right I'm gonna go to a&e first thing in the morning, I need to be sectioned, I need to know what's wrong with me'.

Everything's just so suffocating, I really can't explain how bad/lost/afraid I feel in words, I just need to get away, I don't know where, the place I need doesn't even exist I don't think, anyway I settled on a plan, buy a bottle of wine, buy some painkillers/cough medicine/whatever and just get trashed for a few days so I don't have to think/die, whichever.

Well when I woke up this morning I was fine, pissed off but that's how I usually am, what the fuck is wrong with me?! Bipolar? Borderline? Scizophrenia? I need answers and I need them now, I should book an appoinment with the doctor on Monday, but I can't even be trusted to do that, I'm different from day to day, I'll forget. And even if I do book an appoinment, I'll probably forget/decide I don't need it.

I don't trust my mind anymore, I don't understand it, I don't know who I am, I've thought in this fucked up way since I was like four, I don't know what to do, what the fuck am I? Am I even real? Maybe I'm that mad that none of this is real...

On a lighter note I have lost the 4lbs I gained last week, wow I'm hjghycfgfdgffhjk.

Got my hair did.

I got it done in the end, I look like a man though, but I guess I can't complain for 5 pounds 50.

Ugh, forgive the lack of makeup and double chinness.

The Phoenix Diet

Well, when I'm trying to restrict I always feel denied, so I've decided to devise a new diet which varies from day to day with no limits.(and of course I had to name it after myself!)



Anyway, here it is...

Fish day: Tuna, mackerel, cod, pollock, haddock etc. and unlimited salad.

Apple day: As many apples as you like and unlimited salad.

Dairy day: Egg whites, fat free yogurts and unlimited salad.



Bum day: Fruits that look like bums! AKA plums, peaches, nectarines and cherries and unlimited salad.



Grain day: Wholegrain pasta, brown rice, oats and unlimited salad.

Veg day: All vegetables and tomatoes plus unlimited salad.

Quorn day(or white meat day for meat eaters): Meat substitute based meals and unlimited salad.

Fat fucking whore.

After two days of actually doing well, no binging, no purging, I allowed my boss being a shit head trigger me into a binge, this is what I've just fucking eaten...

A bag of McCoys cheese and onion
2 fresh cream jam turnovers
2 fresh cream chocolate eclairs
2 crunchies
8 slices of edam cheese
2 cadbury's caramel eggs
A tub of hummus
A box of melba toasts
A litre of Ben and Jerry's phish food
6 tunnock's tea cakes

And that's not even all of it, once i've purged I'll be eating about the same amount, purging again and having a chinese then purging again, then I'll take a shit load of laxatives and stay up all night shitting my guts out.
Straight back to square one, my teeth fucking kill when I eat as well, I should have killed myself long ago, this pitiful existence doesn't consitute as a life.

I kinda 'binged' today, I had a bowl of muesli(190?) 12 melba toasts(150) cottage cheese(90) salad(10) a whole pack of apricots(?!) a jar of gherkins(45) a mullerlight(96) and a sugar free jelly(6) :/ I'm really worried, I can't purge cause I've just ahd my meds, I'm in London tomorrow, I can't go all bloated, I'm gonna have to take laxatives. :(

Another quick un.

Well, that's another great day, I've had porridge, balsamic oven baked cherry tomatoes with salad, cajun quorn stir fry, a peach and a little fruit pot which adds up to 547 calories! And no purging :) done my exercise today as well, got my interview in two days, really excited and shitting myself as well!

Short post.

Today went great, I've done all the exercise I wanted to do and haven't purged, I've had 530 calories, porridge with water and splenda, six plums, tinned pineapple and garden peas, tomorrow I plan on having porridge for breakfast(as usual), cherry tomatoes for dinner and cajun quorn stir fry for tea.