I want to die, or be sectioned.


I don't feel right.


Or safe in my head.


I don't want responsibility.


Or food.


Or drink.


Or anything.


Just sleep.


Forever.


I have an appointment on Friday but I don't know if I can last that long, what if it doesn't help? 


I need to be sectioned. 


I think. 


I don't know... this is all because of a binge. 


I knew how it'd make me feel, why did I do it?

Binging again

Can't believe it.


Purging, fair enough, I deserve it.


Cutting, whatever.


Laxatives, knew I'd end up doing them again.


But binging?


I tried, I tried so hard.


Just one lousy day of restricting and I couldn't fucking do it.


I really tried, tried to just buy the fucking kidney beans and tomatoes.


But I came home with loads of disgusting shite and now I'm eating it now and it's gonna get purged.


And I hate myself more.

Fucking fuck!

Right, so you know when like a dumb bitch you think you've escaped the pain? 
I downed 3 litres of water pooed loads without any pain, though Everything was gonna be all right, LOL!
After a couple of hours I got up, started pooing again... cue agony.
Then, like a dumb bitch, I purged the water I'd drank so I'd poo less and a load of stomach acid, then went to bed.
Couple of hours later more cramps and poo, I dizzily drag myself downstairs for my flavoured water, then come back  to the toilet and drink a load of it and disembowel myself into the toilet a bit more.
I finally got to bed at like six in the morning but had really weird dreams cause of the dehydration.
But.
But, that's not even the worst bit.
I gained fucking weight!


How fucking dignified.

Oh shit!(literally)

Well, first time I've had laxatives in like... well over 6 months.

Why when I know the normal dose will work do I take 4 times the amount?

It's gonna be a rough night, that's for sure.


I've had four, I purged thoroughly though, I'm just gonna drink loads and workout and wait for the pain to start.


I already regret it.


Spaz!

Guh, turned my mp3 player off, I don't like music right now.
I don't a lot of the time.
I just want to want life.
How do you live? I just don't get it.
How do you wake up and do housework and visit friends and family?
How do you bathe and brush your teeth and just groom in general every day?
How can I get better when I don't even seem to be capable of living?
I don't even remember not being this way, so how can I fix myself if  only remember being broken?
I wake up and pray the time until I go to bed goes fast and that the sleep I get is long because I don't want to face another day.
I don't know what to do or where to go.
All I know is I hate myself, inside and out and I'm completely apathetic to anything and anyone else.
Apart from my mum and Tristan(and obviously my cats, yes, I realise how sad that sounds) and even then I can't do any good for them, I can't not hurt them.
I'm a financial, emotional and even physical burden to my mum, she's in debt(partially because of me) and so am I, she just goes around cleaning up for me and I just carry on existing, like some parasitic leech.
I don't see a way out of something I've tried to fight every day for as long as I can remember.
How can a therapist help? How do they make a brand new person? A real one? They can't.
This isn't even half of what I feel, but I doubt anyone will even read half of this and I don't blame them.

How can you fix something that's been broken for so long?

I actually, seriously want to die, nothing gets better, it only gets worse.

I... I don't know what to do... I don't even have the words.

I feel ready to die, but I know I'll live and carry on feeding this fat body and carry on being this pointless person living this pointless life, but I'm dead inside, there's nothing there.

The last option

I'm seriously thinking of asking for a gastric band, I'm terrified of surgery and I always said I wouldn't go down that route, because it's cheating.

But I don't know what else to do, I genuinely can't control my eating and it's ruining my life, I can't live like this any more, being fat and having my whole life made a misery by food.