*sigh*

Guh, my mum is a lifesaver.

I wasn't going to go to my appointment today because i can't handle the journey and she's letting me get a taxi.

But these fucking gateway counsellors are shit, they don't fucking help, I need to get a prescription and sick note too, which the gateway can't give me.
...
I wishI wasn't onthese shitty drugs, I hate them, I hate being addicted to them, I hate the fact I feel so crappy until I've taken them, I hate the fact I have to go to my doctor's once a month for medication and a sick note, I just want to be free.

I hate thefact that my doctors are shit and they don't believe that the tablets are addictive, has ANYONE ever heard of Venlafaxine/Effexor NOT being addictive? WTF?! They're basically saying Im lying, I can FEEL the withdrawal symptoms, the dizziness the tingling,t he mood swings!

Iwas thinking about just going to the loony bin and saying I'm having thoughts of harming myself(which is completely true) maybe I'll get some help after observation, I just need a break, I need to escape, I don't know what to do.

I just want someone to care, to look after me, Idon't know what I want but I'm slowly losing my mind, everything's just wrong.

Post from yesterday(don't worry, I'm not dead!)

I'm feeling very suicidal, I want to cut, so bad, but I won't get any work if I do, I could have had a £300 shoot for a big American site but the owner didn't like my scars, anyway, back to the matter at hand, I feel so lonely, so fucking disgusting.


I thought about the abuse, about Luke about it all in detail, pictured it all in my head, in more detail than I've ever let myself before, I started to gouge and scratch bits of skin out with my nails because it was just scrambling my fucking head up, it made me feel like such a disgusting slag.
...
I was thinking maybe if I get some hypnotherapy to unearth it all, I have a feeling more happened than I remember, from my dreams, but that could go one of two ways, it could bring me peace or full on fuck me up.

I have this really weird feeling that maybe I should see him, I haven't seen him since I was 5, it might make things worse, but I don't know. It might bring me closure, we were both there in that situation, he was the only one that could understand, maybe if he felt remorse it'd make me feel better. Maybe if he didn't I'd realise it's actually not a big deal and I'm just being dramatic.

Ooh, I realised the sleeping pills(the ones that actually made it HARDER to sleep) were just the shitty herbal ones, so I have the proper ones now, I also have cocodamol for my wisdom tooth(I am literally in AGONY) and three litres of cider, lol, that'd probably be a really nice overdose.


Right cider time and painkillers, my face is swollen as fook!

Fuck.

I don't think I can handle this any more, I've gained so much weight, it's fucking killing me, the jeans I'm wearing today, they're so tight, they don't even fit and they used to be loose.

Every day, I wake up planning not to binge and every day I fucking do, I've put on so much weight, I'm disgusted with myself, I feel suffocated, I don't even recognise my body, all that hard work, for what? I'm fucking terrified, if it doesn't stop soon, I won't even be able to continue modelling.

I'm scared to go out of the fucking house because I look so hideous, I don't feel comfortable in anything, even my fat clothes, my body aches, I fucking hate it, I fucking hate me.

And don't tell me it's okay, because it's not, I'm terrified because I can't stop it, I can't stop binging and I don't know what to do.

Haven't posted in a while(relapse)

This is it, I said I'd give it one more real try... I can't do it any more, I can't pretend I'm not me, four months on and I'm still binging and I've gained 31 lbs.

Never again, I'll purge what I want when I want, this is just me. It's only an illness if I make it that way, this is just me, it's what I'm like, it's how I eat.

The only time I'm productive and actually cope is when I'm purging or restricting and if I'm honest, really, truly, properly honest, I'd rather die thin than live fat.

So that's the end of that chapter.

Lol.

Oh, I have a poorly chest and a headache too. :(

Day one of ze plan.

Today I've had my toast for breakfast and my butterbeans(had to have them cold because the electricity went off!) and a small braeburn apple for dinner, I reckon I'm gonna have my chicken hotpot ready meal of my tin of sausage caserole with veg for tea.

Exercise wise, I've done my shoulder presses, bicep curls and lateral raises so far, but I'll get the rest done, I need to do the dusting as well and get my bedroom tidied, Alex(the guy I met the other week) is coming for tea tomorrow and I'm making a chicken tikka korma so I need to prepare the sauce and marinade the meat as well so tomorrow's tea should be tasty... and I'm sure the korma will be nice too!