Nice or honest.

I have decided to no longer voice an opinion for fear of making silly little girls cry, so everyone best make a choice whether I should be nice or honest, I can't be both all the time. Really fucking pissed off now, people are such hypocritical arse lickers, they really should grow a pair and stop sitting on the fucking fence, it is pathetic.

Another day...

I went to my doctors today about my insomnia and depression and also to tell them once and for all about my bulimia, I don't want to recover, I just wanted to be diagnosed for peace of mind, so my doctor re-referred me to counselling, upped my antidepressants and arranged some blood tests to check how my vital organs are working. Today I've been really spaced out after doing my jog, you know where you really just can't get a grip at all, like looking through water, like I'm not really here, probably the lack of nutrients, ah well. I've already eaten and purged today, I spent thirteen pounds on food earlier! I must have looked such a freak walking around Tesco like a zombie, so that means I've purged thirty-two times already this year, not good at all, I need to fast for a bit.

Empty

Well firstly I'm 202lbs, my lowest weight in years, so yeah I've lost 8lbs this year so far, I'm back to being empty, binging when I eat and purging everything, the only way that makes sense, my heart is being all spazzy and I'm becoming weak again, but I'll just ignore it as per. I've started to exercise again too, shock horror! 50 crunches, 50 side ways leg lifts, 50 backwards leg lifts, 50 press ups and half an hours jogging every night, it's so much easier when my life is organized into numbers, even though it's a mess I can pretend it's not, so tired though, deary deary me, infact I don't even know what I'm on about! I'm gonna shut up now, peace out x

What a fucking mess.

So for some absurd reason I decided to go out for a walk at three in the morning, I dunno, I'm feeling all dizzy and my heart's fucking up and I feel so fucking fat, well I AM fucking fat. I think I just had to do SOMETHING seeing as though the weight won't just fall off, so off I went into the bastard English winter and walked as fast and hard as I could, I was happy or sad, I was just manic, I kept stopping and thinking where am I? Where the fuck am I going? I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me and I'm also developing an addiction to laxatives, I'm taking them every night. I don't want to recover so please don't suggest that, I just had to get it out. I'm losing it I really am, I'm scared to go to sleep, I don't deserve to, I need to be awake to lose weight, I have college in five hours and I know I'm gonna fail my course, I fail everything, I need to stop being such a fat useless fucking failure.

No fucking more!

I really don't want to throw up anymore and my mum knows just how hard I'm trying to cut down so I don't throw up, last night she said it was the last takeaway, then tonight she went and bought pizza, I can't take it anymore, I want this to end, I want this to end or to just fucking die!
I just don't know why it can't let me go, bulimia has toyed with me for ten fucking years, surely it's had it's fun now, I want it to let me go or let me die, I'm just fucking pathetic, what the fuck sort of pig eats then forces itself to be sick?! I'm a waste of food, I'm a waste of oxygen, I'm just a waste!
I offer to cook but she chooses to indulge in that shite, I might ask to stay with a friend, I didn't have any pizza though, I'm gonna go for a run, hopefully I can run awy from it, keep running and running until I die, until I run right out of this world...

I've got to stop

I need to stop vomitting and the only way to do that is to restrict, throwing up is no longer an option, it's fucking me up.
Breakfast: Quarter of an apple
Morning break: Quarter of an apple
Lunch: Quarter of an apple
End of college: Quarter of an apple
Tea(7 o'clock): Three spoons of brown rice with some sort of vegetable and a slim-a-soup

I also NEED to keep up with my college work, get to bed for 10pm on college nights and workout once a day.

Being sick doesn't make anything better and I don't deserve to eat anyway.

Christmas!

Well I ended up eating yesterday and purging twice and taking laxatives(stupid bitch) but food wise today wasn't as bad as it could have been, I had a bag of crisps, two chocolates, christmas dinner and some cold turkey later on, all without purging! So proud :) Tristan loved his christmas and I am quite drunk lol, like the 6th day in a row or something! I'll post some piccies later!