Night-fucking-bastard-terrors

I swear to God(don't worry, I don't believe in the cunt), fucking night terrors, I hate them so much. What is the point in living when there's no peace? I go from one hell to another, waking up, going to sleep, there's just no rest.

Why ever the things in my head hate me so much, want me to die so much, I'll never know, but they mean business...

And now I sound totally crazy, obviously, but it feels so, so real, I find it hard to convince myself it's not. It's not like I can just hear them, I can feel the fuckers and sometimes see them when I've first woke up, they choke me, push me about, move me, that's not all in my stupid fucking head.

Oh God, I really do sound fucking crazy.

What life is there for me? Who can accept me for what I am? For this?! Seriously.

So I had to sleep on my mum's bedroom floor last night.

Fucking pathetic.

Well.

I really want to stop living. I actually do. My life is pathetic.

I had to sleep in my mum's room last night because of my night terrors, that's after crying like a retard for like an hour before trying to go to sleep, punching myself in the face and scratching myself till I bled, then desperately searching ebay for razor blades cheap enough to spend the rest of my money on.

I've just got up and now I'm crying and binging, I'll probably take more laxatives after I've purged.

I'm so unhappy. I want to die.

Dead.

Anxious, neurotic, total mess, everyone's pissing me off, they make me feel literally sick.

I need to get away, somewhere, I feel extremely suicidal. My feelings are allover the place, I can go from optimistic to suicidal within seconds, I really can't fucking cope.

I'm numb and raw at the same time, I want to binge, I don't ever want to see food again... I don't know what to do, I need to get away, I need to escape. I'm scared, I'm scared of everything, I'm scared of myself, I'm scared of living, I'm scared of dying, I'm scared of sleeping, I'm scared of waking up.

I don't know what to do.

I want someone to tell me what to do, for once, not fucking ask me, tell me, do something, just help me.

I'm so depressed and fucking lonely and I can't even cry.

Hungry.

I want to eat. I want to eat and I'm so fucking mad at myself for it. I can't, because then I'll have to purge again and the purge earlier made my throat all scratchy and I spat more blood than usual(I blame the cheese) and I got the puffy cheeks(I never normally get that) and I'm such a fat, greedy wreck. FATFATFAT. 

I want to go downstairs and workout seeing as though I can't fucking sleep(and it's nearly midnight) but I might end up eating and I really can't fucking do that, cause if I purge I'll wake my mum uup and if I don't I'll be even more depressed.

I've run out of bastard sleeping pills as well, my doctor would only trust me with 2 until she saw me.

I recut the 'FAT' on my thigh because it looked like it said 'EAT' and it was pissing me off... that's even more embarassing than what it really says.

Why must I be such a greedy fucking bitch? It's not like my stomach is even making noise, it doesn't even hurt, it's just... there. I wish it would just fucking go away, I wish I could tear it out.

I might have a cup of tea and work out.

Took my little brother to the School fair...

... and got some stuff, couldn't help myself! :)

Got earrings matching the bracelet too.

Le boys...

Presenting... *drum roll* Corin...

Iggy...

Samson...

and Grub...

So, I ended up having some raw almonds. I tried to leave it at one handful, but I ended up nomming the rest of them. There were like 40 of the fuckers as well, but at least they're gone now lol, they can no longer haunt me!

If I'm hungry later I'll have a tin of tuna with tabasco sauce and garlic and I'mma have a 38 cal hot chocolate too.

Back with a bang, I think(I hope)

I'm happy that I've thrown up all of what I've eaten today.


I'm happy that I can feel the little flutters in my chest start again.


I'm happy that I feel like I can cope and move without food inside me.


I'm happy that I'm terrified to eat again today.


I'm happy that I don't plan on eating until tomorrow evening.


I'm happy that I have to purge anything that's not a safe food.


I am happy that Bulimia is tightening it's grip on me.


And most of all I'm happy that my life seems to have an element of control to it again, finally I can breathe, finally, I don't have to pretend to myself or anyone else that I'm recovering any more.

Fucking Hell!

Well, looks like I can't eat nuts when I'm restricting because I just devour them like a Bulimic squirrel. So I've ended up binging... sort of(two and a half handfuls of raw nuts, two clementines, a banana, an apple, a cornetto and a biscuit) and purging... fuck it, I'm going to the co-op to buy some food to b/p later and I'm having some laxatives. Livin' the dream lol.

I've prolly had like 3000 calories today, purged some of them, started off well, then got a chinese and barfed it back up.

I've been on two walks though, done some press ups(against the wall) and some kettle bell swings.


I want some new dumbells, ooh and I'm getting a sit up thingy.

The Phoenix Rises Again!

M’kay, so after royally fucking up yesterday and binging(I’ll spare you the gory details) I’ve bounced back this morning with a bio, breakfast yogurt and a serving of grapes for breakfast(206 calories) so I’m going to take a bath, pick up my prescriptions and go for a walk in the awful Yorkshire weather and I should have earned my lunch then :)

Trying to do it the healthy way again...

So today so far, I've had two sachets of instant porridge(like 400?) a slice of cheese on toast(say 200?) and a cheese and balsamic dressing salad(200?)... honey on toast(let's say 300) and peas(90), if I'm a good girl I can come back from this, gonna go for a walk too.

Got a weigh in with the nurse in like 3 weeks so I NEED to lose! Might do a kettlebell workout later too :D


So 1190 today so far, reckon I'm gonna have roast parsnips and sweet potato with mixed veg and beans for tea and that's it!

Hmm

I want to kill myself.

.

New routine and goal rewards

9am: Wake up and have my big cup of coffee.

10am: Sachet of porridge made with water and a sachet of Truvia with an apple followed by a cup of Lady Grey.

11am: Get ready and go for a walk for a couple of hours.

1pm: Tuna salad, an apple and cup of Earl Grey.

2pm: Do 30 day shred.

2:30pm: Post work out apple and slim-a-soup.

2:30-6pm: Read, paint nails, listen to music, draw, write etc.

6pm: Low calorie meal of some sort.

If I'm still hungry I can have a slim-a-soup before bed.



GW1: 16st/224 - Reward: Snorlax Tattoo.

GW2: 15st/210 - Reward: Nose re-pierced.

GW3: 14st/196 - Reward: Artificial dreads and acrylic nails.

GW4: 13st/182 - Reward: New pair of heels and cherry blossom tattoo.

GW5: 12st/168 - Reward: Pin up style latex dress.

GW6: 11st/154 - Reward: Strap on :P


Haven't thought of my other goal rewards yet, but I'm sure I'll think of some...

Back to the start.

Fuck it, I keep complaining that I'm fatter than when I restricted and purged all the time... WELL DUH! That's because I don't restrict or purge anymore, from now on I aim to fast, anything that isn't just liquid will be purged and I WILL work out for at least 2 hours a day.


I aim to lose a stone each month, that means 9 months to UGW.


I will do it this time, I'm not throwing it away again.

Best GIF ever!

Gonna get my hurr did

http://www.dreadlockshop.co.uk/thin-dreads.html

I’m saving up for some of these bitches! I’m gonna get 60 fushia pink and 20 blue and pink twisted to mix in… I’ll have to dye my hair bright pink beforehand and I don’t care if I look like a pretentious turd-face, extensions make my hair grow quicker and I like them :)

Now to find someone that knows how to put them in lol.

TMIx1000=


BODY, Y U GIVE ME LAX CRAMPS WHEN I HAVEN'T EVEN TAKEN ANY?!


Seriously, I just keep getting horrible cramps then having to squeeze out like half a teaspoon of the strangest shit ever.


And my bowels smell fucking rancid... it's like I have a dead body in my colon and I'm just crapping it out bit by bit ugh...


On the other hand I'm doing better at dieting and not starving like a retard today, it's 5pm and I've had two crackers and a pepperami, it might not sound a lot, but that's more than I'd had at this time yesterday and I'm still gonna have the fruit and yogurt and tuna :)


Gotta save some calories for cider too though.


Also, note to self: Don't have 1.5 litres of cider and three Xanax before bed... the cider alone is enough to make me sleep... I hate wasting drugs :(

Gah

Scared for weigh in tomorrow


Don't want to add up today's calories


I know they're well too low, at least the heart palps have gone though


Thank you cider and Xanax


I know I won't have lost enough though


I need to make more of an effort


Hopefully I'm getting back to the old me(even if she was fucked up)


I can't continue being this size anyway






*deep breath* everything will be fine(like I believe that lol)




Also, I've been considering whether to shit into a tub or something(gnarly I know) to decipher whether I'm shitting blood, still won't stop me from using my weapon of choice though.


Maybe I should poo on that spider in my bath, show him who's boss lol, I kid I kid, I'd never do that!