What is wrong with me?!

Well, where to start? Last night I freaked out, proper freaked out, the worst I have done in a while, basically yesterday was one of those days where you feel really in control, like you know you're not going to binge, so erm I had six hundred and something calories and thought I'd get an early night.

Well, after turning my computer off I was just laying in bed, trying to relax and my head just sort of fucked up, so I went downstairs to have a nectarine, I thought if I had a little something extra I mgiht be able to go to sleep, but i binged, not a massive binge but still a  binge.

I threw up and went back to bed and it was like everything just came crashing down on top of me, I had multiple panic attacks, I just couldn't get my breathing under control, I was telling myself 'You need to go to dad's tomorrow, you need to get out of here so you don't binge' then I was thinking I need to take an overdose, I really do, not to die but just to knock myself out for a while, so my head will shut the fuck up.

I was really scared and I was like 'Shit, what am I gonna do for the rest of my life? I fuck everything up, I don't succeed in anything, I can't grow up, I don't want to, I just want to be a little girl and have my mummy take care of me forever, my only option is death' I mean I've had these thoughts before but it was so, so overwhelming, so I was thinking 'Right I'm gonna go to a&e first thing in the morning, I need to be sectioned, I need to know what's wrong with me'.

Everything's just so suffocating, I really can't explain how bad/lost/afraid I feel in words, I just need to get away, I don't know where, the place I need doesn't even exist I don't think, anyway I settled on a plan, buy a bottle of wine, buy some painkillers/cough medicine/whatever and just get trashed for a few days so I don't have to think/die, whichever.

Well when I woke up this morning I was fine, pissed off but that's how I usually am, what the fuck is wrong with me?! Bipolar? Borderline? Scizophrenia? I need answers and I need them now, I should book an appoinment with the doctor on Monday, but I can't even be trusted to do that, I'm different from day to day, I'll forget. And even if I do book an appoinment, I'll probably forget/decide I don't need it.

I don't trust my mind anymore, I don't understand it, I don't know who I am, I've thought in this fucked up way since I was like four, I don't know what to do, what the fuck am I? Am I even real? Maybe I'm that mad that none of this is real...

On a lighter note I have lost the 4lbs I gained last week, wow I'm hjghycfgfdgffhjk.

Got my hair did.

I got it done in the end, I look like a man though, but I guess I can't complain for 5 pounds 50.

Ugh, forgive the lack of makeup and double chinness.

The Phoenix Diet

Well, when I'm trying to restrict I always feel denied, so I've decided to devise a new diet which varies from day to day with no limits.(and of course I had to name it after myself!)



Anyway, here it is...

Fish day: Tuna, mackerel, cod, pollock, haddock etc. and unlimited salad.

Apple day: As many apples as you like and unlimited salad.

Dairy day: Egg whites, fat free yogurts and unlimited salad.



Bum day: Fruits that look like bums! AKA plums, peaches, nectarines and cherries and unlimited salad.



Grain day: Wholegrain pasta, brown rice, oats and unlimited salad.

Veg day: All vegetables and tomatoes plus unlimited salad.

Quorn day(or white meat day for meat eaters): Meat substitute based meals and unlimited salad.

Fat fucking whore.

After two days of actually doing well, no binging, no purging, I allowed my boss being a shit head trigger me into a binge, this is what I've just fucking eaten...

A bag of McCoys cheese and onion
2 fresh cream jam turnovers
2 fresh cream chocolate eclairs
2 crunchies
8 slices of edam cheese
2 cadbury's caramel eggs
A tub of hummus
A box of melba toasts
A litre of Ben and Jerry's phish food
6 tunnock's tea cakes

And that's not even all of it, once i've purged I'll be eating about the same amount, purging again and having a chinese then purging again, then I'll take a shit load of laxatives and stay up all night shitting my guts out.
Straight back to square one, my teeth fucking kill when I eat as well, I should have killed myself long ago, this pitiful existence doesn't consitute as a life.

I kinda 'binged' today, I had a bowl of muesli(190?) 12 melba toasts(150) cottage cheese(90) salad(10) a whole pack of apricots(?!) a jar of gherkins(45) a mullerlight(96) and a sugar free jelly(6) :/ I'm really worried, I can't purge cause I've just ahd my meds, I'm in London tomorrow, I can't go all bloated, I'm gonna have to take laxatives. :(

Another quick un.

Well, that's another great day, I've had porridge, balsamic oven baked cherry tomatoes with salad, cajun quorn stir fry, a peach and a little fruit pot which adds up to 547 calories! And no purging :) done my exercise today as well, got my interview in two days, really excited and shitting myself as well!

Short post.

Today went great, I've done all the exercise I wanted to do and haven't purged, I've had 530 calories, porridge with water and splenda, six plums, tinned pineapple and garden peas, tomorrow I plan on having porridge for breakfast(as usual), cherry tomatoes for dinner and cajun quorn stir fry for tea.

New pictures, please tell me if there's a difference...

Right, I've taken some new photos, can you please tell meif there's any difference from the last? If there isn't, just be honest.

225

195

190

Fastinggg

Right well on the arrival of my Ephedrine yesterday(which by the way, I love!) I've decided I'll be fasting until my birthday, eleven days, I'm going to enter nineteenhood lighter and happier, so there! Should be better than constantly purging anyway, I purged nine times whilst out walking last night, it's really not good, so let the fasting commence!

Wow, I'm fucking pathetic.

One fucking day into my trying to be healthy plan and I fucking binged, so far I've had, a bowl of porridge, 2 apples, 2 bananas, 2 yogurts, 3 cereal bars and 2 packets of monter munch, seriously, what the fuck am I gonna do?! I need fucking help, I'm addicted, even when I know that my bulimia is killing my mum and she's not gonna be able to cope much longer, even when I know I'm eating all her money I just can't stop! I mean I've resorted to sneaking food up into my bedroom, I'm eating as I type this, then when I've finished I'm gonna have to throw up into the empty crisp packets or outside, leaving me feeling shitter than ever, I don't even enjoy this, I hate this fucking life! I honestly don't know why I haven't killed myself yet, I mean really, how much help is really out there for an overweight bulimic, I can't fucking do this, I realy can't, what if I'm like this for the rest of my life?! I might as well quit while I'm behind... god Im really fucking lost/confused/full/sick/defeated/fatfatFAT and that's what it all comes down to I'm fucking fat, I'm a fat,greedy fucking cunt and I don't deserve to eat, cause I only abuse food like a junkie abuses fucking smack! Well I guess I'm gonna have another bowl of porridge now, WITH golden syrup, finish the rest of my lemonade and go for a 'walk' so I can throw up in a field, cool. Tomorrow I'm fasting, I CANNOT control myself with food therefore I can't fucking have it, I hope my fucking Ephedrine arrives tomorrow. Oh, sorry, nearly forgot, here's another gorgeous effect of trying to give up bulimic habits, you don't fucking shit! So everything is just laying in my belly, rotting away, while I look fucking pregnant, so you see, I DO need to purge! God I'm in a terrible mood, I'm so angry, I'm gonna take laxatives tonight.

So far so good...

I've done rather well today so far, had four of my meals, did my walk, tidied my room, I've been all productive, I'm proud! So here's what I've had so far...

Meal one: 2 slices of wholegrain toast with a scraping of margarine, 304 calories.

Meal two: Low fat yogurt and a large banana, 235 calories.

Meal three: Golden delicious apple and a Tesco light choices chocolate and orange cereal bar, 115 calories.

Meal four: Cod fillet with 2 birdseye steamfresh veg bags, 160 calories.

Meal five: Porridge made with water and one teaspoon of brown sugar and an apple, 236 calories.

Meal six: A cereal bar, a low fat yogurt and a fruit stick, 243 calories.

So my grand total today is 1293 calories, JUST inside my limit!

My new healthy weight loss/general health plan.

This is the closest I can get to recovery before I'm given the right treatment...

5-7 small meals a day(around 200 cals)
For every cup of tea/coffee I have, I have to match that with a cup of water.
Walk or run my usual route around the village once a day.
No computer access until all jobs have been done.
No binging.
No purging.
No cutting.
No junk food.
Update food log daily.
Weigh no more than once a week(Mondays)
Eat no less than 1000 calories a day.
Eat no more than 1500 calories a day.
DO HOUSE WORK!

Foods around 100 calories(2 per meal)
Eggs(2)
Apple
Banana
Raisins(handful)
Low fat yoghurt
Oranges
Tomatoes
Nuts(unsalted)
Tuna
Cod fillet(unbreaded)
Quorn chicken
Potatoes
Sweet potatoes
Sweetcorn
Peas
Beans
Carotts

Foods around 200 calories(1 per meal)
Quorn sandwich meat sandwich(on wholegrain with margarine and mustard)
Brown rice(handful)
Wholemeal pasta(handful)
Breakfast bars

Free foods
Cauliflower
Mushrooms
Green vegetables
Skimmed milk in hot drinks

I fucking hate him.

I fucking really do, I mean after 19 years of the selfish, black bastard(my father) treating me like shit, putting me to the bottom of the pile, abandoning me when he found out I'd been ruined(by HIS fucking slut of a girlfriends son), finally, I really do hate him, my mum said me and my bulimia's just too much to handle by herself and i'm fucking her up, she said I needed to tell my dad. So I text him(it's pretty much the only way we communicate apart from the odd grunt or shrug) telling him how I've been suffering from bulimia and depression for some years now and I've had a lot of difficulty with getting  treatment and that I'm sorry basically. Anyway, the fucking cunt hasn't even bothered to respond, I'm done with him, I really fucking am, I hate him, he's a pathetic excuse for a father, maybe he should have kept his dick to himself, then I wouldn't fucking exist! 

That look

The look my mother gives me after I've purged, it burns through me, it just adds to the burn of the acid, like a slap in the face, in fact a slap would be better, I wish she'd slap me, at least I'd feel like a daughter, that look, it says so much more than words ever could, it says "How did this thing grow in my womb?! I don't even know it, I don't deserve this, this isn't how a child should be, it's killing itself, it's killing me."
That look, that fucking look, an icy fist tearing through my stomach, the hollow abyss that I've just emptied, looking back through teary, bloodshot eyes, my bulging, throbbing confessions. God, that fucking look, she's seen my dirty, nasty secret, she can see the vomit splashing in my face, like she saw him do it, the same look I give myself in the mirror "You nasty, dirty, abused, selfish fucking bitch, I know what you are, I know what's happened to you, fat, ugly, worthless, used, good for nothing, damaged goods, no one will ever love you, just use you up again and again-like you use up all that food- until there's nothing left, you fat, filthy fucking whore."

Ooh watch out, here comes the big man!

Today I started work at 12, had to leave after an hour cause it was dead, food wise I've only had sugar free redbull and coffee, I've slipped back into purging everything, but the binging isn't anywhere near as bad. Also, I've managed to break that motherfucking plateau!(only by 0.8lbs but shhh!) but for some fucked up reason I believe it's because I cut 'FAT' into my thigh last night, so the punishment made me worthy of a loss, I'm such a freak! Ooh I have a new kitten too, he's so cute, he's like a little fat baby insect, so we've called him Grub! I have a an interview/audition for college on Friday and I am positvely SHITTING myself! I have to do a two minute dance piece and a monologue and I might even have to sing, other news, with my first wage I bought some Ephedrine, can't wait till it arrives! But enough about me, kittuhs!