Night-fucking-bastard-terrors

I swear to God(don't worry, I don't believe in the cunt), fucking night terrors, I hate them so much. What is the point in living when there's no peace? I go from one hell to another, waking up, going to sleep, there's just no rest.

Why ever the things in my head hate me so much, want me to die so much, I'll never know, but they mean business...

And now I sound totally crazy, obviously, but it feels so, so real, I find it hard to convince myself it's not. It's not like I can just hear them, I can feel the fuckers and sometimes see them when I've first woke up, they choke me, push me about, move me, that's not all in my stupid fucking head.

Oh God, I really do sound fucking crazy.

What life is there for me? Who can accept me for what I am? For this?! Seriously.

So I had to sleep on my mum's bedroom floor last night.

Fucking pathetic.

Well.

I really want to stop living. I actually do. My life is pathetic.

I had to sleep in my mum's room last night because of my night terrors, that's after crying like a retard for like an hour before trying to go to sleep, punching myself in the face and scratching myself till I bled, then desperately searching ebay for razor blades cheap enough to spend the rest of my money on.

I've just got up and now I'm crying and binging, I'll probably take more laxatives after I've purged.

I'm so unhappy. I want to die.

Dead.

Anxious, neurotic, total mess, everyone's pissing me off, they make me feel literally sick.

I need to get away, somewhere, I feel extremely suicidal. My feelings are allover the place, I can go from optimistic to suicidal within seconds, I really can't fucking cope.

I'm numb and raw at the same time, I want to binge, I don't ever want to see food again... I don't know what to do, I need to get away, I need to escape. I'm scared, I'm scared of everything, I'm scared of myself, I'm scared of living, I'm scared of dying, I'm scared of sleeping, I'm scared of waking up.

I don't know what to do.

I want someone to tell me what to do, for once, not fucking ask me, tell me, do something, just help me.

I'm so depressed and fucking lonely and I can't even cry.

Hungry.

I want to eat. I want to eat and I'm so fucking mad at myself for it. I can't, because then I'll have to purge again and the purge earlier made my throat all scratchy and I spat more blood than usual(I blame the cheese) and I got the puffy cheeks(I never normally get that) and I'm such a fat, greedy wreck. FATFATFAT. 

I want to go downstairs and workout seeing as though I can't fucking sleep(and it's nearly midnight) but I might end up eating and I really can't fucking do that, cause if I purge I'll wake my mum uup and if I don't I'll be even more depressed.

I've run out of bastard sleeping pills as well, my doctor would only trust me with 2 until she saw me.

I recut the 'FAT' on my thigh because it looked like it said 'EAT' and it was pissing me off... that's even more embarassing than what it really says.

Why must I be such a greedy fucking bitch? It's not like my stomach is even making noise, it doesn't even hurt, it's just... there. I wish it would just fucking go away, I wish I could tear it out.

I might have a cup of tea and work out.

Took my little brother to the School fair...

... and got some stuff, couldn't help myself! :)

Got earrings matching the bracelet too.

Le boys...

Presenting... *drum roll* Corin...

Iggy...

Samson...

and Grub...

So, I ended up having some raw almonds. I tried to leave it at one handful, but I ended up nomming the rest of them. There were like 40 of the fuckers as well, but at least they're gone now lol, they can no longer haunt me!

If I'm hungry later I'll have a tin of tuna with tabasco sauce and garlic and I'mma have a 38 cal hot chocolate too.